The Butterfly Has Landed: My Final Post

      This is my final post on Night Walker’s Journey.  Some of you might be thinking, “Thank goodness!  Finally, she is going to stop bugging me with all her crazy stuff!”  Others may have only read a handful of my writings and just didn’t want to bother or did not feel they had the time.  And then some of you may have enjoyed them and may be a little sad that this is the final post.  I expect that all are true.  For those who have enjoyed Night Walker’s Journey, I want to thank you for your warm thoughts, energy, and love.  I want to thank you for being in my life.  My writing “career” is not over, however. It will just take another direction.  I look forward to seeing what that is.  I actually did not know I liked to write until I started this blog.  I was told, as a freshman in college, that it was probably a good thing I was in music and not writing.  It just goes to show that you do not have to be perfect at something to enjoy it and put it out into the universe. 

     Why am I closing this chapter of my writing?  I went to bed last night, and while I was spending time in meditation and contemplation, something became crystal clear to me.  It is this clarity, I now realize, I have been searching for since I began my journey back in the spring of 2017.  I have known it, intellectually, but I just couldn’t make all the pieces fit.  Last night, however, the puzzle came together. 

     I was still batting around ideas of what the future might have in store for me, despite knowing that I would have to “embrace the mystery”.   I was pondering over which direction I should take and what I needed to study next.  This searching for direction has been a several decade issue for me.  Even when my focus switched over to a more spiritual and healing direction, my mind went right back to, “What am I good at?  What is my path really leading me to?  How might I organize my studies the way I need to, to best follow this path? What am iuI supposed to be doing right now?”  You know… that control thing again. 

     Then the light came on!  It all fell into place.  It’s not like I haven’t heard it before or even written it, but I finally felt its essence.  I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be down ing right this very moment, and this one…Oh!…and this one.  My only job is to live each day knowing that I am living the most open and awake life I can live, and then  share my gifts, lend a helping hand, and encourage others to wake up to their own hearts.  How can I do this? I must strive to be my best self; to be a yogi, a Bodhisattva, a Spiritual Warrior.   A pastor in America recently proclaimed from the pulpit that yoga is of the devil.  I am paraphrasing, but it gets the point across.  He can’t see, due to his own perspective and misinformed views, that there are many ways to connect with one’s Higher Power.  Our interconnectedness depends on us dropping our perspectives and walls, and it is our responsibility to allow each and every person to find their personal path in their own way.  It doesn’t matter how one gets to this point, it just matters that they get to it! Once things start falling into place, the idea of treating ourselves and each other with love, kindness, and forgiveness BECOMES our purpose.  This purpose doesn’t take organizing, studying or creating websites.  It takes waking up every day and committing oneself to this purpose.  How we do this does not really matter because the work is already being done if we are committed.  Anything we do beyond this purpose will simply add flavor and depth.  

I will continue to write, paint, sculpt, play music, do yoga, teach meditation, study spiritual and healing paths, do drum circles and be in nature, and I hope to learn some new things as I grow. These are only tools, however.  They are a means to an end.  They make life interesting and they keep me focused.  They are not a job, or a hobby, or a vocation.  They are the tools I have been given to share my spirit…my best self.  We have all been given tools.  That is why our lives look different on the outside, but our true jobs are all the same…to realize we are all connected and to open up to each other in divine love.   People everywhere want peace, but at the same time, these same people put up their walls of fear each day, look at others with a judging and critical eye, and treat themselves pretty badly as well.  Then they wonder why there are so many problems in the world. No one is exempt.  We all do it!  We are simple, earthly humans who are stuck in patterns.  But knowing this now, that my true job, my path, and my purpose has been going on for a long time each and every moment, helps to break through this illusion of control.  It simply doesn’t matter what I do for a living, or what my house looks like, or how I spend my time, as long as each day is filled sharing my love and spirit with myself, another human being, an animal, the natural world, an unseen spirit…or most of all, my Creator.  Our culture is so focused and wrapped up in the idea of success and getting ahead and being right, it is hard to have clarity.  It has taken a lot of work and time to finally pull away some of my layers and finally realize…IT DOES NOT MATTER!  I could clean toilets for the rest of my life and continue to follow this noble path.  Right now, that is pretty close to how my life is anyway.  And I like it!

Twisted Cedars

     I am still going to sit, as a wolf, in my “dark cabin” for a bit.  It is foggy, snowy, and cold.  My house is still open to the elements and the snow is blowing in, but I have faith that it will be finished before the winter is done.  And if that changes, that will be OK, too.  I know, however, that I am no longer sitting and waiting to see what is around the corner with impatience and searching.  I am right where I need to be… right now.  I am on the trail, and it is a glorious trail.

A Winter Morning

Preparing to do long distance drumming and meditation with Jude

Teddy Barking at the Howling Coyotes

     I was given a gift, after my mother died, of feeling her spirit guide me to begin following my heart.  I can honestly say that it has been a difficult and arduous journey, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  She knew that there was more inside of me than what I was opening to.  She helped me unlock the door to these last few years of awakening. I know there are many of you who have had similar experiences of connection after a loved one died.  Many wonderful people have come out of nowhere to help guide me along the way, as well.  You know who you are, and I am eternally grateful.   My journey is not over, and honestly, I think this new path is actually just beginning.  It feels like I have been scrambling along a very rough and windy trail only to come out of the trees to see that I have finally arrived at the trailhead.  Now the next journey begins.  I think it is an Infinite Journey.  It began before me and will continue after I die.  But here on out, in this life, I want to use my open heart and my gifts as tools to light my way, and I hope I can use them to light the way for others, as well. 

Mom, thank you for guiding me to the trailhead of this path.  I expect to have many visits with you at the Butterfly Tree I plan to create for us.  I love you so very much.  Goodbye.

P.S. Readers and friends…Please stay in touch, and share your journeys with me.  Connection with others is everything!

Butterfly Tree

Definitions:

Yogi- “The word yogi actually embraces any serious spiritual seeker who consciously and methodically aspires to achieve harmony, balance, and refined consciousness.”

                                                                                       Russill Paul, The Yoga of Sound

Bodhisattva- “A Bodhisattva is someone with pure, impeccable intentions- a gentle yet fearless spiritual warrior who strives unceasingly to help everyone reach nirvanic peace and enlightenment.”

                                                                       Lama Surya Das, Awakening to the Buddha Within

Spiritual Warrior- “The term spiritual warrior is used in Tibetan Buddhism for one who combats the universal enemy: self-ignorance, the ultimate source of suffering according to Buddhist philosophy.  A heroic being with a brave mind and ethical impulse.

                                                                                                Wikipedia

 

A Good Friend

 

   Receiving Medicine from a Tree

Although she leans a little to the side,

this magnificent being holds itself strong from the roots up.

Her branches radiate out from random points like turning points in her life.

She didn’t plan these points of growth.

She didn’t make a list of things to do to make them grow.

She simply stood strong and allowed life to happen.

Some branches have been severed and some have naturally fallen.

Her intuition led the way, not a controlling nature.

She trusts the Universe to make her complete.

She pulses with energy at a very deep level that says,

“I am still here, world.  I cannot be forgotten because I am alive.”

Her bark, like our skin, has grown old and weathered,

but there is a magnificent beauty in her aging.

I find myself pulled to her each and every day.

I will make an alter to her and other beings like her

so that I may learn from her medicine.

I am grateful for her teachings.

OM

Embracing Mystery

"Joan of Arc"

Night travelers walk 

Beneath the pure white full moon

Embracing Mystery

      

Toni Austin-Allen (haiku I wrote for my forearm tatoo)

     Last night I stayed up late watching “Everest”.  I don’t know if the movie triggered my mood or lying in my camper at 1 o’clock in the morning, as the winter was creeping, in triggered it.  It was probably a little of both.  Whatever the reason, I found myself sad, doubting, and lonely. I thought about all the people I simply “knew” I had disappointed by continuing on my life’s journey.  I know that none of my friends and readers have ever experienced this feeling in the middle of a dark night, right?!  Actually, I can’t imagine that there is a person out there who has not experienced this feeling!

     As the morning dawned, I made my daily pot of coffee and lay back down for my morning readings and meditations.  What did I read but this, “Happiness is not an accident.  It comes from following the spiritual voice found in each of us.  This isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, the voice tells us to do things we’re afraid of.”  Then, “The Spiritual voice inside us speaks of care and love.  It will never tell us to hurt others or ourselves….If we follow this guiding voice, it will lead us to happiness.”

     I have had several friends say to me, “I really want to follow my path, but Toni, my path isn’t going to look like yours!”  My first inner response is, “Oh my god, I hope not!”  My path, although it may look romantic on the outside, is not very romantic, and it is not very easy in terms of comfort.  I had a “knowing” about this very early on, when I was traveling, that comfort was going to be an issue in my future.  Right now, I have been back in my camper for three months, the winter is quickly approaching, my bathroom is a bucket, I wash my dishes in the cold  well water outside, I get a bath or shower no more than twice a week, sometimes only once a week, and trips to get stuff are 40 to 90 minutes away. My house is being built as I write, however, so I know that this is a means to an end.  It too, has not been easy because good help is hard to find out here.  I spent all last week fixing something important to the foundation of the house, as well as helping out my builder until we could find skilled labor.  I am NOT skilled labor, but I did enjoy the work. I haven’t made any friends out here yet.  I have another “knowing” that I need to lay low, work in the direction that is speaking to me, and eventually, people and happenings will come when it is time.  Mostly I am in contact with some nice and helpful men who are watching out for me and my house, but not once in all this time have any of them asked me what I really think or feel about anything. Sometimes that gets tiring, but it makes me so very grateful for my friends and family far and wide.  I do not take them for granted anymore.  With all that said, I don’t feel that I would do it any other way, and I really don’t dwell about my lack of modern comfort.  This is what my spiritual voice has led me to, so as the modern phrase says, “It is what it is”.  That doesn’t mean I don’t question my choices, it just means that I have to dig deeper each and every day so I keep listening to this voice and not fall prey to my fearful and doubtful mind.

     Through this, I have discovered that when people talk about “waking up,” they aren’t saying that all things will become clear.  I think what this means is that the only thing that really becomes clear is that this life we are leading is much more mysterious and complex than we could ever imagine.  There are forces at work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, that we have no control over, and our job is to listen to this inner voice and follow it to the best of our abilities.  We run around all day every day thinking that we can control our lives and everyone else’s.  We make ourselves miserable by doing this, and if we don’t get the results we want from those around us, we often make their lives miserable as well. 

     Do I still want to know what is going to happen in the future?  Absolutely!  Will I ever get the answer ahead of time?  Absolutely not!  But knowing this, my life has much less chance of falling into disappointment, boredom, or despair.  In fact, it takes a huge load off because I am not in charge anymore.  It is a seemingly scarier way to live until you realize that this voice is truly leading us to happiness.  Embracing the mystery of it all, and realizing that our existence is pretty damn magical, is what I feel “waking up” means. 

     I had a vision during my quiet time this morning that symbolized where I am right now.  I was a wolf, off in the distance, watching a tall, handsome native man.  He was standing looking at his young daughter who was sitting in the sand.  His wife was behind him as was the village.  He was a scout and had his eyes looking outward.  I thought he might start walking in search of something, but he turned and walked around to the back of the village and entered into a dark cabin.  I watched him enter, and then, I eventually followed him inside.  We sat in complete darkness.  We just sat…silently.  He did not speak to me nor I to him.

     We are all so afraid of the dark, but isn’t that where the mystery dwells?  I encourage you to turn out the light, and just listen. 

"Waiting To Build"

"My Little Home...So grateful"

"Enjoying the work, and Teddy helped"

"Morning Light"

"Beauty in the Dark"

Wielding the Sword of Joy (and…Slaying Ego)

"You're Gonna Fly"
(new butterfly stencil by Jude Simon)

     Before you read this, please sign the waiver below that says, “Toni Austin-Allen is not responsible for any hard feelings you might have after reading this post.”  I am joking!!!!!  Sort of.

     How many of you desired to do something in your younger years but were told by a parent, teacher, friend, relative, or even worse…yourself, that you couldn’t do “that” because you were not good enough?  Yep, I see quite a number of hands reaching and waving to the sky.  I see quite a few hands timidly lifting, still afraid of what others might think.  And, yes… I see those crossed arms of belligerence, refusing to believe that there was any other choice, so this isn’t even up for discussion.  Oh, well, yes, there are a handful of you out there who never had a problem going after what you wanted in life.  You were given a gift, so don’t take that for granted.  Me, I had a lot of desires, and I went after them…and sometimes I didn’t.

     I remember seeing The Red Conga Drum on a stage at The Melody Shop in Dallas when I was about fifteen years old.  I wanted it to be My Red Conga Drum.  There was a halo of light around it.  I know because I was connected to that halo of light!  I think I even heard angels singing!  I had never seen a conga before, and being a strictly classical pianist, I had never heard one either, but I knew I wanted it…BAD!

     Growing up, I loved art.  I loved doing it and thinking about it.  I loved painting, leather work, making candles, and working with clay.  I had a space in my garage during elementary school to do my art, and later, my Dad built me a drawing table in my room.  I also loved photography and creative writing.

     From my earliest years, I loved nature.  I loved to fish, shoot my BB gun, and walk around my grandparent’s farm land or around the creek near my house.  I loved building tree houses and forts, and I loved riding my bike or just being outside until it got dark playing with my friends.  I listened to John Denver’s Greatest Hits almost every day of my seventh grade year, and I actually dreamt of being John Denver and hiking through Colorado with a guitar on my back. But, what I really wanted to be since I was about 12, was Native American.  My favorite class in seventh grade was Miss Hitt’s history class in which we spent an entire semester on Native American history.  I was in heaven.  Considering, however, that I was born with blond hair, blue eyes, and lived in Dallas, Texas, I figured I would probably have better luck being John Denver!  Interestingly enough, I told some friends recently, about this teen dream, and we discussed the fact that I actually kind of look like him today.  I better start strumming a guitar and singing!

     Well, I do need to give myself a little credit.  Along the way, through adulthood, I dabbled in all of these things, but I never really went after them for very long.  Why not?  I didn’t feel I was “good enough”, and I certainly couldn’t make a living at them.  I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a western culture that said, “If you are going to do something, you really need to do it well.  If you aren’t going to do it well, then choose something else that you can do well, or at least, don’t show it in public if it’s not good enough.”  So, I focused in on that other something which was piano playing.  Lucky for me, I was good at piano, and by middle school, I really grew to love it, thanks to my second teacher, Eugenia O’Reilly, and a lot of trophies. It became obvious in high school that a life in the piano world would eventually be my career path.

       I feel extremely lucky to have had thirty-five years in this beautiful career.  It was filled with creative satisfaction, music (polished and not so polished), wonderful experiences with students and their families, some difficult situations with families in which I learned many valuable lessons, and some huge lessons in how ego can sabotage a good thing (both my ego and other’s).  Here is where the waiver might come in handy.  I have met many people outside of the music teaching world who are shocked to find that in the world of music, there is ego and there are politics.  When you get competitions, teachers, and parents involved, there will most definitely be egos ready and waiting, and when you get more than two people involved with each other, politics begin.  Gossip begins to flow about quality and who is better than whom.  I know that must be a shocker, but I bet you anything that there are also politics and egos involved in your very own work spaces, your volunteer jobs, your churches, and in every single one of your children’s activities.  We cannot escape it, but we can, however, step back, stay centered, and make a choice not to participate in it. 

      Despite this, I look back on my career knowing that I did my utmost to make it creative, and I know for certain, that I was an out of the box teacher a lot of the time.  But here is the kicker.  My psyche knew that all of those desires I had in my early years were still brewing inside of me.  Heck, my outer mind knew they were still brewing!  But I kept telling myself that there was no way I could do more than dabble because that’s not what I am “good” at, or at least not “good enough” at.  So, now I am facing this issue head on.  I want to do all of these things, and more, to continue in my spiritual and creative journey, but those same old voices (not only in my head, but in the air we breathe) says, “You better be good, for goodness sake.  Don’t you dare put yourself out there because people will judge your performance ability and your skill level.”  And, you know what?  They will.  At least a lot of people will.  I know, because I did judge quality, and I followed this philosophy.  I was a terrific student at it.  The artistic world is full of quality control.  People have careers in it.  I had a career in it!

     So, what am I going to do? I have left this world that I know so well, and I am doing my damnedest to slay the habits of judging quality, and instead, embracing intent.  Have I shed my fears and my desire to please?  Some of them, but others always pop up right in the nick of time and are often even more forceful than the old ones.  I guess I should be happy about that because I sure wouldn’t want to get complacent... (not!) Anyway, recently, after talking to one of my oldest and dearest friends about this issue, I decided that I want to “wield my sword of joy”, as opposed to “my shield of excellence”.  I want to seize the day, now, not tomorrow.  I want to live the rest of my life enjoying my passions and embracing that mystery that brought me back to them.  I want to share my art, music, love of nature, and my spiritual path with whomever wants to sit down with me, and if a little excellence comes along, I will simply be grateful and humbly accept it. My music, words, and art are now about sharing my heart, not my skill (even if it eventually gets better).  If you can handle a little mediocrity, then sit with me.  The journey is what it is all about; what of my heart can I share with you? I’d love to share in your desires as well, and I promise not to judge. This can be a lonely path, people, because this is not the way our culture functions.  I would cherish like-minded friends along the way.  I think the time of ego needs to be over.  We are seeing the results of inflated egos all around the world each and every day on our televisions.  Let’s share our hearts and stop worrying about what people think.  I lift up my sword, a la Joan d’Arc, and I sing out the word “JOY” for all to hear.  I am including art and poetry that I have done in the last three days.  It is from my heart, not my need to please.  So, enjoy it…or not.

    

   

 Three Haikus…

“Song for Joan”

Dance with me, my dreams;

The crows have left for the night.

Let the sword sing out.

“Anticipation”

Blue to the south sky

Gray to the not so far west

Snow and rain charge on

“On Meeting an Ancient Alligator Juniper” 

Quiet feet and arms

 Fingers wiggle in the wind

 Magic Penetrates

"Twisted Cedars"

"Woodland Spirit"

"Finding Peace"

"Acceptance"  (unfinished)

                                            

Plan "M"...and Beyond

     It is nine in the evening and I am typing this with a minimum of light from battery powered lanterns.  I am back in my camper on the land.  At this point, the well water is not flowing, we have no electricity nor heater, and no shower.  But, life is good. 

     The last two months have not been easy, and we all know that life with cancer does not go away quickly.  Unfortunately, things were made more difficult by the fact that some of Jude’s already existing medications, mixed with chemo, made her heart rate plummet, so her energy level has been pretty non-existent since she started chemo in July.  A perfect storm finally displayed itself when we were trying to fly to Texas.  She passed out on the plane just before we left and had to be ambulanced to the hospital only to be tested and watched for the next four days.  We were both worried about her and about how the outcome of these tests might change our plans of our “lemons to lemonade” adventures or, at least, change how we dealt with everything from here on out.  There was a lot of waiting for doctors and nurses and experiencing fatigue due to stress, but at the same time, we kept saying, “what is…is”.

     The day after she was allowed to return home to recuperate, my Dad and his friend, Dave, drove all the way out to Albuquerque and then to my land, to build an outhouse with me.  The three of us made a nearby cabin our home for three nights, and we worked the better part of three days to build the most amazing outhouse near my camper.  I will eventually paint it, and my builder is going to build a door for it since we did not have time to complete the project in full, but Jude and I have already been truly enjoying this building with its lovely view, open air feel, and clean smell of new wood.  The same time that we were building the outhouse, my builder and another local gentleman started preparing the foundation by grating the footprint for my new house.  That was very exciting!

Thank you...Dad and Dave Job

     After a quick trip to Texas to visit some friends and rest for a weekend, we immediately came home only to continue packing and moving stuff to storage.  We finally moved out of our Albuquerque apartment on the 31^st.  It was a horrible day of car problems, rude people, stressful emotions, and more carting of stuff.  But, like all of us experience, a new day is always around the horizon, and there are new things to learn and experience. 

Move Out Day

     So, with all that being said, where am I in all of this cancer stuff, moving, house building, etc…  I am tired but I am good.  With the tremendous amount of fatigue Jude felt due to chemo and extremely low heart rate, I had to pick up the pace a bit in order to get everything done.  When one is in this position, it is hard to keep track of which emotions are real at a given moment, and sometimes there are too many emotions happening at one time.  I felt sadness, frustration, a bit of resignation, love, compassion, longing, loneliness, and contentment.  Many of these would happen consecutively, but more often, there would be several at the same time.  My body started hurting more and more, and I started getting more and more fatigued to the point that I could not get up and do my morning devotions and meditation, and my walks became shorter and slower.  How often this happens to the person who is the caregiver.  People will often say, “Remember to take care of yourself”, but let me tell you, it isn’t easy because I was really trying.  However, I see that it is absolutely essential. I just haven’t quite figured it out at a personal level, yet.  I think, however, that the real answer is that you keep doing what you need to do for both the person you are helping and for yourself.  Never stop caring for yourself even if it feels as if it isn’t helping or you feel you are getting off center.  This is when it is the most important time to pay attention to your mind and body, but usually this is when we ignore both.  I realized this morning that one has to practice mindful living like one practices music…with intention, with a plan, with compassion and understanding that we will make mistakes and forget.  The most important thing is to never just give up. 

       Fortunately, Jude’s energy is getting back to a normal chemo experience level, for which we are so grateful.  The last few days have been so different in terms of her energy level, but we both need to be prepared for anything.  We are fortunate to have this respite and we plan to go ahead with our plan which is to embrace this cancer.  I’ll live in my camper around the Santa Fe/Albuquerque area in order to be closer to her treatments in Albuquerque, but I will be available to take materials out to my builder from time to time.  She will get a small place to rest and recuperate from treatments, and we can both enjoy what nature can offer in the way of healing.  It will be a time to continue learning new things for future endeavors, take care of our bodies and spirit, and live a simpler life without a lot of worries wearing us down.  We are aware that we need to be flexible which takes a lot of the fear out of it.  In other words, take one day at a time and be ready to change our plans at a moment’s notice.  We have already had plenty of experience with this, so we are prepared.  Changing plans seems to be the way life just is; at least for us, anyway.  Maybe you are immune…Ok…maybe not!

     I was in Colorado this weekend visiting with some friends.  My Dad was there, and as you know,  a blog post rarely goes by without some sort of Dr. Dad Wisdom. Anyway, he said, “I have never met anyone who actually was able to make Plan A work 100 percent.  Every good plan has been tweaked many times.  Personally, I am working on Plan M!”

          I must add a huge thank you to some beautiful people who really helped us with open arms and compassionate hearts during this transitional time.  I want to thank Dad, Woody, Gary, and Jed for moving all of my furniture and belongings to a new storage place when I could not arrive on the plane that day.  I want to thank Dave and Dad for driving all the way to NM and providing all the supplies and planning and building the outhouse. I want to thank Kim for buying a wonderful dinner for of us after Jude got out of the hospital even though Kim was at home in Texas with two broken feet and a broken back.   I want to thank Betsy for walking Teddy for me while I was out at the land, and I want to thank Marty, Siva, Chloe, Zane, and Liz for helping us with the move.  People who are willing to happily help others in times of need are gems.  This was true compassion.

View From the Outhouse

Compassion Is...

Compassion is looking into your pet's eyes and seeing its devotion to you.

Compassion is not feeling pity for a homeless person, but instead, smiling and showing respect for them simply because they are.

Compassion is telephoning an aging parent or friend because you want to, not because you have to.

Compassion is changing what you can, with an open heart and mind, to better a situation.

Compassion is saying you want to help and then really help.

Compassion is loving a person... even when you don't like them.

Compassion is praying for someone, not just saying, "I've been thinking about you."  Action matters.

Compassion is helping a friend through a difficult time even when it gets tough for you.  You don't want to miss the miracles along the way.

Compassion is shaving your friend's head because their chemo is working...and knowing that this act is an honor bestowed upon you.

Compassion is having feelings for all beings and providing help and healing the best you can from your heart.

Compassion is...
                Loving yourself and  being in your truth.

           

Reflection on The Elements- (returning from retreat)

   

 I just returned from a Monastic Buddhist Retreat at the Vallecitos Ranch in The northern mountains of New Mexico.  I wanted to share some reflections...

 
     He appeared to me in Silence.
     He was brown, tall, and lean
     "Take a walk...slowly," he said.
     Touch the trees and feel the ground.
     Speak to the rocks...

     BE with the earth.

     I took a walk...slowly.
     I touched the trees...
     The invisible energy connected us.
     I leaned my forehead on an aspen and wept.
   
     I leaned lovingly on a tree and looked up.
     A deer looked calmly on as I made the connection.
     She did not move from her lying position in her bed of pine needles.
     I walked quietly around her, and she did not stir.

     I continued my climb.
     I spoke to the rocks and recognized their unseen beauty.
     Quiet stillness...or maybe not.

     At the top of the hill, I greeted a pine that awed me with its size.
     I touched it and felt nothing.
     I spoke aloud, "You are so old, majestic, and perhaps a little sick."
     Immediately, a low moaning energy connected with mine.
     We were immediately friends.

     I leaned my back against this new friend and visited for awhile.
     I knew, at this moment, that I would never be alone.
     I would always have friends like these.
   
     As I left the mountains on the last day of my stay,
     I took one last walk up the hill to say goodbye to my new friend.
     Muditā

   
     He came again, the next day...in Silence.
     Go to the water, and listen.
     Just Listen.

      I followed the path Up River.
      I thought I knew my destination...a hidden meadow.
      But that was not meant to be.

     I crossed the river several times.
     Then I sat down
     on a large gray boulder
     in the river. 

     I listened.
     I watched the white water splash my feet.
     I had arrived at my destination.

     I remembered another vision of his mother who bathed me
     In White Water.

     I reached down and splashed a little White Water on my head.
     Then on my shoulders....arms....chest...legs...
     and face.

     All is...

   
   

Just After Bathing Myself

     It is 5:50 A.M.

     I have ten minutes before I close my eyes to "Be."
     Everything is quiet...except:

     the flip of a fishes tail,
     the webbed-footed geese gliding across the water,
     the granite whispering, "Good Morning,"
     the flies buzzing around me delighting in my salty taste,
     the vapors of early morning light and air floating through the sky.

     One more minute...

     I close my eyes...

 Then there is space.