Embracing Mystery

"Joan of Arc"

Night travelers walk 

Beneath the pure white full moon

Embracing Mystery

      

Toni Austin-Allen (haiku I wrote for my forearm tatoo)

     Last night I stayed up late watching “Everest”.  I don’t know if the movie triggered my mood or lying in my camper at 1 o’clock in the morning, as the winter was creeping, in triggered it.  It was probably a little of both.  Whatever the reason, I found myself sad, doubting, and lonely. I thought about all the people I simply “knew” I had disappointed by continuing on my life’s journey.  I know that none of my friends and readers have ever experienced this feeling in the middle of a dark night, right?!  Actually, I can’t imagine that there is a person out there who has not experienced this feeling!

     As the morning dawned, I made my daily pot of coffee and lay back down for my morning readings and meditations.  What did I read but this, “Happiness is not an accident.  It comes from following the spiritual voice found in each of us.  This isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, the voice tells us to do things we’re afraid of.”  Then, “The Spiritual voice inside us speaks of care and love.  It will never tell us to hurt others or ourselves….If we follow this guiding voice, it will lead us to happiness.”

     I have had several friends say to me, “I really want to follow my path, but Toni, my path isn’t going to look like yours!”  My first inner response is, “Oh my god, I hope not!”  My path, although it may look romantic on the outside, is not very romantic, and it is not very easy in terms of comfort.  I had a “knowing” about this very early on, when I was traveling, that comfort was going to be an issue in my future.  Right now, I have been back in my camper for three months, the winter is quickly approaching, my bathroom is a bucket, I wash my dishes in the cold  well water outside, I get a bath or shower no more than twice a week, sometimes only once a week, and trips to get stuff are 40 to 90 minutes away. My house is being built as I write, however, so I know that this is a means to an end.  It too, has not been easy because good help is hard to find out here.  I spent all last week fixing something important to the foundation of the house, as well as helping out my builder until we could find skilled labor.  I am NOT skilled labor, but I did enjoy the work. I haven’t made any friends out here yet.  I have another “knowing” that I need to lay low, work in the direction that is speaking to me, and eventually, people and happenings will come when it is time.  Mostly I am in contact with some nice and helpful men who are watching out for me and my house, but not once in all this time have any of them asked me what I really think or feel about anything. Sometimes that gets tiring, but it makes me so very grateful for my friends and family far and wide.  I do not take them for granted anymore.  With all that said, I don’t feel that I would do it any other way, and I really don’t dwell about my lack of modern comfort.  This is what my spiritual voice has led me to, so as the modern phrase says, “It is what it is”.  That doesn’t mean I don’t question my choices, it just means that I have to dig deeper each and every day so I keep listening to this voice and not fall prey to my fearful and doubtful mind.

     Through this, I have discovered that when people talk about “waking up,” they aren’t saying that all things will become clear.  I think what this means is that the only thing that really becomes clear is that this life we are leading is much more mysterious and complex than we could ever imagine.  There are forces at work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, that we have no control over, and our job is to listen to this inner voice and follow it to the best of our abilities.  We run around all day every day thinking that we can control our lives and everyone else’s.  We make ourselves miserable by doing this, and if we don’t get the results we want from those around us, we often make their lives miserable as well. 

     Do I still want to know what is going to happen in the future?  Absolutely!  Will I ever get the answer ahead of time?  Absolutely not!  But knowing this, my life has much less chance of falling into disappointment, boredom, or despair.  In fact, it takes a huge load off because I am not in charge anymore.  It is a seemingly scarier way to live until you realize that this voice is truly leading us to happiness.  Embracing the mystery of it all, and realizing that our existence is pretty damn magical, is what I feel “waking up” means. 

     I had a vision during my quiet time this morning that symbolized where I am right now.  I was a wolf, off in the distance, watching a tall, handsome native man.  He was standing looking at his young daughter who was sitting in the sand.  His wife was behind him as was the village.  He was a scout and had his eyes looking outward.  I thought he might start walking in search of something, but he turned and walked around to the back of the village and entered into a dark cabin.  I watched him enter, and then, I eventually followed him inside.  We sat in complete darkness.  We just sat…silently.  He did not speak to me nor I to him.

     We are all so afraid of the dark, but isn’t that where the mystery dwells?  I encourage you to turn out the light, and just listen. 

"Waiting To Build"

"My Little Home...So grateful"

"Enjoying the work, and Teddy helped"

"Morning Light"

"Beauty in the Dark"