Wielding the Sword of Joy (and…Slaying Ego)

"You're Gonna Fly"
(new butterfly stencil by Jude Simon)

     Before you read this, please sign the waiver below that says, “Toni Austin-Allen is not responsible for any hard feelings you might have after reading this post.”  I am joking!!!!!  Sort of.

     How many of you desired to do something in your younger years but were told by a parent, teacher, friend, relative, or even worse…yourself, that you couldn’t do “that” because you were not good enough?  Yep, I see quite a number of hands reaching and waving to the sky.  I see quite a few hands timidly lifting, still afraid of what others might think.  And, yes… I see those crossed arms of belligerence, refusing to believe that there was any other choice, so this isn’t even up for discussion.  Oh, well, yes, there are a handful of you out there who never had a problem going after what you wanted in life.  You were given a gift, so don’t take that for granted.  Me, I had a lot of desires, and I went after them…and sometimes I didn’t.

     I remember seeing The Red Conga Drum on a stage at The Melody Shop in Dallas when I was about fifteen years old.  I wanted it to be My Red Conga Drum.  There was a halo of light around it.  I know because I was connected to that halo of light!  I think I even heard angels singing!  I had never seen a conga before, and being a strictly classical pianist, I had never heard one either, but I knew I wanted it…BAD!

     Growing up, I loved art.  I loved doing it and thinking about it.  I loved painting, leather work, making candles, and working with clay.  I had a space in my garage during elementary school to do my art, and later, my Dad built me a drawing table in my room.  I also loved photography and creative writing.

     From my earliest years, I loved nature.  I loved to fish, shoot my BB gun, and walk around my grandparent’s farm land or around the creek near my house.  I loved building tree houses and forts, and I loved riding my bike or just being outside until it got dark playing with my friends.  I listened to John Denver’s Greatest Hits almost every day of my seventh grade year, and I actually dreamt of being John Denver and hiking through Colorado with a guitar on my back. But, what I really wanted to be since I was about 12, was Native American.  My favorite class in seventh grade was Miss Hitt’s history class in which we spent an entire semester on Native American history.  I was in heaven.  Considering, however, that I was born with blond hair, blue eyes, and lived in Dallas, Texas, I figured I would probably have better luck being John Denver!  Interestingly enough, I told some friends recently, about this teen dream, and we discussed the fact that I actually kind of look like him today.  I better start strumming a guitar and singing!

     Well, I do need to give myself a little credit.  Along the way, through adulthood, I dabbled in all of these things, but I never really went after them for very long.  Why not?  I didn’t feel I was “good enough”, and I certainly couldn’t make a living at them.  I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a western culture that said, “If you are going to do something, you really need to do it well.  If you aren’t going to do it well, then choose something else that you can do well, or at least, don’t show it in public if it’s not good enough.”  So, I focused in on that other something which was piano playing.  Lucky for me, I was good at piano, and by middle school, I really grew to love it, thanks to my second teacher, Eugenia O’Reilly, and a lot of trophies. It became obvious in high school that a life in the piano world would eventually be my career path.

       I feel extremely lucky to have had thirty-five years in this beautiful career.  It was filled with creative satisfaction, music (polished and not so polished), wonderful experiences with students and their families, some difficult situations with families in which I learned many valuable lessons, and some huge lessons in how ego can sabotage a good thing (both my ego and other’s).  Here is where the waiver might come in handy.  I have met many people outside of the music teaching world who are shocked to find that in the world of music, there is ego and there are politics.  When you get competitions, teachers, and parents involved, there will most definitely be egos ready and waiting, and when you get more than two people involved with each other, politics begin.  Gossip begins to flow about quality and who is better than whom.  I know that must be a shocker, but I bet you anything that there are also politics and egos involved in your very own work spaces, your volunteer jobs, your churches, and in every single one of your children’s activities.  We cannot escape it, but we can, however, step back, stay centered, and make a choice not to participate in it. 

      Despite this, I look back on my career knowing that I did my utmost to make it creative, and I know for certain, that I was an out of the box teacher a lot of the time.  But here is the kicker.  My psyche knew that all of those desires I had in my early years were still brewing inside of me.  Heck, my outer mind knew they were still brewing!  But I kept telling myself that there was no way I could do more than dabble because that’s not what I am “good” at, or at least not “good enough” at.  So, now I am facing this issue head on.  I want to do all of these things, and more, to continue in my spiritual and creative journey, but those same old voices (not only in my head, but in the air we breathe) says, “You better be good, for goodness sake.  Don’t you dare put yourself out there because people will judge your performance ability and your skill level.”  And, you know what?  They will.  At least a lot of people will.  I know, because I did judge quality, and I followed this philosophy.  I was a terrific student at it.  The artistic world is full of quality control.  People have careers in it.  I had a career in it!

     So, what am I going to do? I have left this world that I know so well, and I am doing my damnedest to slay the habits of judging quality, and instead, embracing intent.  Have I shed my fears and my desire to please?  Some of them, but others always pop up right in the nick of time and are often even more forceful than the old ones.  I guess I should be happy about that because I sure wouldn’t want to get complacent... (not!) Anyway, recently, after talking to one of my oldest and dearest friends about this issue, I decided that I want to “wield my sword of joy”, as opposed to “my shield of excellence”.  I want to seize the day, now, not tomorrow.  I want to live the rest of my life enjoying my passions and embracing that mystery that brought me back to them.  I want to share my art, music, love of nature, and my spiritual path with whomever wants to sit down with me, and if a little excellence comes along, I will simply be grateful and humbly accept it. My music, words, and art are now about sharing my heart, not my skill (even if it eventually gets better).  If you can handle a little mediocrity, then sit with me.  The journey is what it is all about; what of my heart can I share with you? I’d love to share in your desires as well, and I promise not to judge. This can be a lonely path, people, because this is not the way our culture functions.  I would cherish like-minded friends along the way.  I think the time of ego needs to be over.  We are seeing the results of inflated egos all around the world each and every day on our televisions.  Let’s share our hearts and stop worrying about what people think.  I lift up my sword, a la Joan d’Arc, and I sing out the word “JOY” for all to hear.  I am including art and poetry that I have done in the last three days.  It is from my heart, not my need to please.  So, enjoy it…or not.

    

   

 Three Haikus…

“Song for Joan”

Dance with me, my dreams;

The crows have left for the night.

Let the sword sing out.

“Anticipation”

Blue to the south sky

Gray to the not so far west

Snow and rain charge on

“On Meeting an Ancient Alligator Juniper” 

Quiet feet and arms

 Fingers wiggle in the wind

 Magic Penetrates

"Twisted Cedars"

"Woodland Spirit"

"Finding Peace"

"Acceptance"  (unfinished)