Plan "M"...and Beyond

     It is nine in the evening and I am typing this with a minimum of light from battery powered lanterns.  I am back in my camper on the land.  At this point, the well water is not flowing, we have no electricity nor heater, and no shower.  But, life is good. 

     The last two months have not been easy, and we all know that life with cancer does not go away quickly.  Unfortunately, things were made more difficult by the fact that some of Jude’s already existing medications, mixed with chemo, made her heart rate plummet, so her energy level has been pretty non-existent since she started chemo in July.  A perfect storm finally displayed itself when we were trying to fly to Texas.  She passed out on the plane just before we left and had to be ambulanced to the hospital only to be tested and watched for the next four days.  We were both worried about her and about how the outcome of these tests might change our plans of our “lemons to lemonade” adventures or, at least, change how we dealt with everything from here on out.  There was a lot of waiting for doctors and nurses and experiencing fatigue due to stress, but at the same time, we kept saying, “what is…is”.

     The day after she was allowed to return home to recuperate, my Dad and his friend, Dave, drove all the way out to Albuquerque and then to my land, to build an outhouse with me.  The three of us made a nearby cabin our home for three nights, and we worked the better part of three days to build the most amazing outhouse near my camper.  I will eventually paint it, and my builder is going to build a door for it since we did not have time to complete the project in full, but Jude and I have already been truly enjoying this building with its lovely view, open air feel, and clean smell of new wood.  The same time that we were building the outhouse, my builder and another local gentleman started preparing the foundation by grating the footprint for my new house.  That was very exciting!

Thank you...Dad and Dave Job

     After a quick trip to Texas to visit some friends and rest for a weekend, we immediately came home only to continue packing and moving stuff to storage.  We finally moved out of our Albuquerque apartment on the 31^st.  It was a horrible day of car problems, rude people, stressful emotions, and more carting of stuff.  But, like all of us experience, a new day is always around the horizon, and there are new things to learn and experience. 

Move Out Day

     So, with all that being said, where am I in all of this cancer stuff, moving, house building, etc…  I am tired but I am good.  With the tremendous amount of fatigue Jude felt due to chemo and extremely low heart rate, I had to pick up the pace a bit in order to get everything done.  When one is in this position, it is hard to keep track of which emotions are real at a given moment, and sometimes there are too many emotions happening at one time.  I felt sadness, frustration, a bit of resignation, love, compassion, longing, loneliness, and contentment.  Many of these would happen consecutively, but more often, there would be several at the same time.  My body started hurting more and more, and I started getting more and more fatigued to the point that I could not get up and do my morning devotions and meditation, and my walks became shorter and slower.  How often this happens to the person who is the caregiver.  People will often say, “Remember to take care of yourself”, but let me tell you, it isn’t easy because I was really trying.  However, I see that it is absolutely essential. I just haven’t quite figured it out at a personal level, yet.  I think, however, that the real answer is that you keep doing what you need to do for both the person you are helping and for yourself.  Never stop caring for yourself even if it feels as if it isn’t helping or you feel you are getting off center.  This is when it is the most important time to pay attention to your mind and body, but usually this is when we ignore both.  I realized this morning that one has to practice mindful living like one practices music…with intention, with a plan, with compassion and understanding that we will make mistakes and forget.  The most important thing is to never just give up. 

       Fortunately, Jude’s energy is getting back to a normal chemo experience level, for which we are so grateful.  The last few days have been so different in terms of her energy level, but we both need to be prepared for anything.  We are fortunate to have this respite and we plan to go ahead with our plan which is to embrace this cancer.  I’ll live in my camper around the Santa Fe/Albuquerque area in order to be closer to her treatments in Albuquerque, but I will be available to take materials out to my builder from time to time.  She will get a small place to rest and recuperate from treatments, and we can both enjoy what nature can offer in the way of healing.  It will be a time to continue learning new things for future endeavors, take care of our bodies and spirit, and live a simpler life without a lot of worries wearing us down.  We are aware that we need to be flexible which takes a lot of the fear out of it.  In other words, take one day at a time and be ready to change our plans at a moment’s notice.  We have already had plenty of experience with this, so we are prepared.  Changing plans seems to be the way life just is; at least for us, anyway.  Maybe you are immune…Ok…maybe not!

     I was in Colorado this weekend visiting with some friends.  My Dad was there, and as you know,  a blog post rarely goes by without some sort of Dr. Dad Wisdom. Anyway, he said, “I have never met anyone who actually was able to make Plan A work 100 percent.  Every good plan has been tweaked many times.  Personally, I am working on Plan M!”

          I must add a huge thank you to some beautiful people who really helped us with open arms and compassionate hearts during this transitional time.  I want to thank Dad, Woody, Gary, and Jed for moving all of my furniture and belongings to a new storage place when I could not arrive on the plane that day.  I want to thank Dave and Dad for driving all the way to NM and providing all the supplies and planning and building the outhouse. I want to thank Kim for buying a wonderful dinner for of us after Jude got out of the hospital even though Kim was at home in Texas with two broken feet and a broken back.   I want to thank Betsy for walking Teddy for me while I was out at the land, and I want to thank Marty, Siva, Chloe, Zane, and Liz for helping us with the move.  People who are willing to happily help others in times of need are gems.  This was true compassion.

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