Riding the Waves

   

   Water is the greatest metaphor for life.  I have used it a multitude of times for various situations.   It only makes sense that I would be contemplating water again since I am in Bali.
     I arrived in Uluwatu in hopes of getting to a quiet beach while I awaited my extended visa.  I needed to be somewhat close to the Immigration Office. The beaches are beautiful and not too terribly busy since it is the middle of the week, but I will say, peaceful is not the first adjective I would use to describe this area...particularly at night.  It reminds me of a typical university town on an average night of partying.  Anyway, I was getting irritated with all the partying outside my quaint home stay and was sharing this with a dear friend who kindly reminded me of the zen idea that may or may not be quoted exactly from the original, but it got me back in my right mind...
     "Spirituality is not about being serene while you wash the dishes.  Spirituality is washing the dishes".  Isn't this so true? Sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and get the job done, or in my case, deal with drunk, rowdy tourists and realize life is not all about me.  With this zen thought in my head, I walked down to the beach yesterday and found myself watching the waves.  Andy, my percussion teacher from these last few weeks, said, "Toni, the most important thing is that when you practice, focus on your practicing, when you eat, focus on eating, when you are texting, focus on texting, but don't try to go back and forth all the time or you will never become a good musician."
     So, yesterday I focused on watching waves.  I particularly watched the surfers catching waves.  I wondered how they knew which wave to catch and which ones to let go by.  Pretty soon, I knew I would be blogging again as this became a metaphor for dealing with life's rolls of frustrations, small problems, big problems, and annoyances, all interspersed with moments of serenity.  I would say that most of us in the western world are pretty spoiled when it comes to this.  We don't have a good system of triage for our problems.  Everything seems like a big problem to us, and sometimes we do go through periods when this is true.  But usually, we forget to enjoy the moments of serenity and let the smaller issues roll by, knowing that another moment of serenity will come soon if we just don't get bent out of shape about it all.  When a big one does come, that's when we grab hold with all the courage we can muster, we stand our ground and get balanced, and we ride that wave with all the tools we have.  Sometimes we face plant and sometimes we make it to shore, but at least we gave it our all, and then....another moment of serenity.

     Today, I went to the Immigration Office in Bali.  The computers were backed up so the wait was very long and all the expats were tense.  The locals looked like this was just part of life.  I sat down to wait and all I had was my phone with some old books I had read in iBooks.  I opened to a book I had started to read again a few months ago, and this was the first thing I read...
     From True Refuge by Tara Brach.  She is quoting an eighteenth-century Zen poet, Ryokan.
"To find the Buddhist law, drift east and west, come and go, entrusting yourself to the waves."
Could this be simply a coincidence  I don't care, actually.  It was what I needed to read.  I had already decided what I was going to write in my blog, and this was just sealing the envelope.
     My serenity in these last weeks of swimming in the proverbial ocean has been in meeting some wonderful young musicians in my music program, creating a relationship with an exceptional percussion teacher who gave so generously of his time and his knowledge and  has inspired me to really work hard, meeting wonderful people here in Bali who have been incredibly generous and compassionate.  I had a driver who had been driving our group a good bit during our stay who brought  me to Uluwatu the other day.  When he left, we both had tears in our eyes.  Today, my driver gave me some language lessons on the way to the immigration office, this week; a young man who works on the beach, Benny, shared his story with me about moving to Bali from Sumatra and then shared his rice and fish with me at lunch today.  These are the things that make a difference.  As we come into people's lives, we don't know what kind of impact we will be having on their lives.  It's these little things that can create a moment of serenity for someone.  I know it has for me. If we will just ride the big waves with courage and let some of them pass by letting go a bit, we will hit more moments of serenity. I
     After watching the waves, I watched people letting go.  Here is what I saw....

Moving Forward

     My music program is over as of today.   I am going to stick around Ubud for a few more days to practice and take a few lessons, but people are starting to go home now and do their own thing. I took a few detours with this program to work with my needs, but I took from it what I could, and  now I feel a great sense of relief to walk my own path, figuratively and literally. Sometimes we have to do the best we can when walking the path someone else has laid out for us, but in reality, even that is our own path.  How we deal with obstacles is truly part of our journey, and that is something I so want to learn more about.  I think, perhaps, that that was an important lesson for me these last few weeks.  Did I deal with everything the best I could?  Yes, with the tools I have at this moment, I did.  Can I get better, absolutely!  But, I know that I am a strong woman, I have gained confidence in the last few weeks and months, I have a better idea of what I am good at and what I want to get better at, and I now have more insight of how music, art, and spirituality can play a very important role in my life and service to others.
     One of the insights I have had is finally crossing the line from classically trained pianist and piano teacher to a true music and art lover and lover of people.  I think the world of highly trained classical musicians, and in some cases, all music, can pull the spirit out of a student and a teacher.  At the same time,  it can also be the most beautiful blend of high level playing and a beautiful soul. Walking that fine line and keeping it balanced is the key.  I know a good number of musicians and music teachers who are able to do this, and it is an extraordinary thing.   I got an invitation, this morning, from a good friend in McKinney who is having a house concert showcasing two musicians that balance music and soul.  I do not know where I will be, but I told her that I will be there.  To be in the same room when these musicians are playing is a slice of heaven that I do not want to miss.
     I mentioned on Facebook the other day about a music making evening I had recently.  The day of our program's final concert, I kept having wonderful experiences with people throughout the day.  I went into the shop of one man who sold Buddhas.  We sat on the floor of the shop and talked about chakras and meditation.  He started doing a little acupressure to see if I had pain and he was so tender.  Later, I was searching for a coffee shop someone had told me about.  I couldn't find it, but I found a small booth where a woman pulverized lemongrass, ginger, lime, honey and some other roots and added them to hot water.  When I told her I didn't want to pay the high price for a snack across the street in the touristy organic shop, she handed over two bags of local snacks and said I didn't have to pay for those.  They were her gift.  Our program had its final concert at the end of the day, and it was well played by the instructors and the students, and I was so glad to be there to support them and play in part of the program.  I want to say that the spirit of my fellow students are definitely heading toward this wonderful balance, and I have so enjoyed getting to know them.  I hope to one day visit Taiwan and see them again, and I know I will see A.J. And Andy again.  I feel it in my bones. The personal music making, for me, however,  was later that night at Soma, a local restaurant.  On the way there, I met another young man and we sat on the curb for 20 minutes talking about really beautiful things.  When I got to the restaurant, I was dying to play the keyboard along with some mantra music this guitarist and hand drummer were doing.  They were open to me joining in, and my fingers were so happy to be moving across the keyboard.  I wasn't even phased at playing a couple of pop tunes by ear and working them out as I went.  By the end, we had keyboard, bass, guitar and vocals, a backup singer, and a djembe player.  When we finished up with "Imagine",  about 5 other people joined in singing, and I was asked to take a solo on keyboard, as well. There is no video of this, and some tears were shed.  I don't need a video to remember how much that music meant to all of us that night.  Some of us were trained and some self taught.  What happened was communication, emotion, and unity.  A wonderful combination.  That is how I want to continue using my music, and maybe, one day, my art as well.  I think that touching the soul and letting people follow their path and simply use music and art, or whatever the interest is, as a vehicle, is the key.  We get so caught up in "the right" way to do things.  There is merit in that, for sure, and my personal goal is to work on technique and facility but to blend that with listening to the needs of others and drawing from a deeper place when I am playing music, making art, and working with others.  I think this could apply to every job out there.  I see it in the people here in Bali.  Daily spirituality (not necessarily the once a week trip to temple) comes above all else.  It is part of everyday living.  Maybe that is why they are so calm and friendly.  Could just be the answer for us westerners.
     On Tuesday, I head to The Unesco World Heritage Sight of the rice fields up north a bit.  We went yesterday, but did not get to stay but just a few minutes.  It is very rural, and if you are interested in why it is a world heritage sight, look up the Unesco website.  It is a beautiful thing organized by the Subak System called Tri Hita Karana, a philosophy that promotes the harmonious relationship between the realms of the spirit, the human world, and nature.  It is really worth reading about.  Http://whc.unesco.org/en/list/1194. I am just going to take a taxi there and hope to find a place to stay.  I will practice, read, walk the rice fields, and meditate.  It is time to move forward.

Square Pegs in Round Holes

     I have been in Ubud for a week and a half.  It is a bustling town where there seems to be as many tourists as locals, but there are a lot of interesting things to see and places to eat.  The program I am in is right in the center of town, and our lives have been centered in about one mile radius of the hotel.  We have hardly venture further than this, so I hope to see more of Bali when the program is over.  The people around us are friendly, and I have tried to get to know a few of them by name.  I am happy to say that several have friended me on Facebook already, and one particularly sweet man, Wayan, who works at the hotel where the program is held,  Face Booked me my first birthday greeting this morning.
     I have seen a couple of wonderful shows in the area.  What I love most is how the Balinese incorporate their spirituality into every single day of their lives.  I want to know more about these rituals and their history because of this.  The shows we see are for the tourists but they are examples of what they do in their own temples. It is fascinating.  I want to come back and just get to know these people.  They have a very rich history and a loving community spirit. I also am so impressed with their religious tolerance here.  It is not denomination tolerance; it is true religious tolerance.  There are Hindus, Muslims, Buddhist, Animists, and Christians, and folks, they all live together well on this island.  We have some things to learn.

     So, you might be wondering about the title of this entry, "Square Pegs in Round Holes".  Society likes everyone to be a round peg in a round hole, but yesterday I was thinking how I have felt like a "square peg" all my life, and I feel very fortunate to know a lot of people who feel the same.  Why the world has structured its societies to not deal with people like us, is a mystery to me.  Most "square pegs" are some of the most interesting and creative people on this planet.  Well, back to the program...I found myself, this week, facing a lot of those same frustrations, fears, and feelings of not being understood, as I did early on in my life, particularly at the college and graduate school level, but also in high school and middle school.  It took me years to realize I was smarter than those bubble tests showed and that I could catch on if things were explained in a way that worked with my brain.  I also need time to assimilate information...visualize it and  play with it.  Thank goodness I have been a teacher for so long and know how I think.
     I have really tried to do this program the way it was set up, but at some point, due to various issues, I lost my confidence and just shut down.  I thought, "Maybe I am just being difficult, and my strong western woman side is just trying to control things.  I think I started trying to control things that I couldn't do anything about, but at one point I came to the conclusion that I know what I need, I know which instruments and teachers I can work with, and I know what I can handle in terms of the kind of teaching and information I am getting.  So, I woke up the next morning and did the things I needed to do to take care of myself, and I talked with some of the other teachers and told them my concerns.  These two teachers, Andy and Jamal, are so very helpful as is one of the students in the group, A.J. I am so grateful that these people are here and understand square pegs and are willing to not put me in a round hole.  I know that I have been both kinds of teacher at times, and I am making a universal apology to all the students I tried to fit into that round hole.  The longer I taught, the more I realized how important this idea is when approaching each student.  I think I finally got it about the time I decided to quit teaching.  Isn't that the way it works?  I guess it is time to use this awareness in new ways, now.

Jamal

Andy

A.J

     I have come so far in opening my heart and my head to where the universe is guiding me.  I still have no idea where that path is leading, but I do know that it is not down a round hole.  At the same time, we all need a support group.  That is a basic human need.  It is very clear at my age now, that what one person thinks I should be doing is not always the best thing for me at the time, and that is OK. I hope that all of us have a little "square peg" in us, and if we have more than our fair share, that we embrace it and let it have glitter and sequins on in.  I am still working on decorating my "square peg",  but I eventually want mine to not only have glitter and sequins, but to also shine with diamonds.  I better keep working!

Starting Over Begins

        I am on Sanur Beach in Bali.  This is my last night here, and then I head to Ubud (about an hour and a half away) tomorrow around noon.  This is such a beautiful place, and it was a perfect place to land after a very long flight.  It took four planes and about 35 hours to arrive.  I feel like I succeeded in my initial goal of staying at peace and I hope that I shared some of this peace with some of those around me.  I must confess that I was not able to muster much sharing when I was getting on my last plane from Singapore to Bali.  My energy was terribly low by then, but I did keep my cool and stayed patient.  I even played a little harmonica with my Balanese driver when he found out I liked the Blues and pulled out his guitar at a stoplight.  I knew I was doing OK at this point.
     My favorite time of being here in the last couple of days has been the sunrises and breakfasts.  I like to try new foods, so I experimented with a lot of foods that were pretty and colorful, but I must confess, I did not know what some of them were.  I think trying foods that are part of the culture is imperative to understanding a new place.  Anyway, being free to do exactly what I want has been the order of both days, and that certainly included a lot of resting, walking on the beach, laughing with pushy sales stall ladies (and yes, I bought some things because I am a pushover!!!!), and getting back into a little yoga and meditation each day.

    Today,  I felt strange as the day wore on, and I have been contemplating it all afternoon.  If you have been reading consistently, you will see a pattern that once I start feeling something other than open contentment,  I know something is brewing.  It finally hit me this evening, after bopping around from one thing to another and finally resting on a silly Goldie Hawn movie with Indonesian subtitles, what has been brewing.  Tomorrow is really the beginning of starting over.
     I met the other students in the program today.  There are only eight of us, but they are all young, smart, percussion students who are either working on their masters degrees or who have just graduated.  They are super nice.  One is from America and the others are Taiwanese who were studying in America and recently gone back to Taiwan.  Now, I know I am a professional musician and have dabbled in percussion, but being almost 55 years old and new to world drumming at this level, my insecurities started inching in.  I will be OK for sure, so I am not looking for anyone to make me feel better.  It is just part of my nature to be a bit uncomfortable in this situation since I have been the teacher for 35 years.  I like learning new things, but being the novice in a group of young talented 20 somethings works on my ego a bit.  Then it started dawning on me that I am a beginner at everything I am doing, whether it be traveling alone, starting new relationships, becoming a gypsy not a homeowner, or beginning over in my vocational and job ideas.  There is not one thing that I am doing that I could say I feel like I have a really good handle on.
     So far, I have been sort of letting myself rest and explore my inner self, but tomorrow I start a real exploration and training in outer things as well.  Learning things that might very well lead to other opportunities.  It is the beginning of new commitments and directions.  Some of you might not see the importance of this, but if you stop to think about changing everything in your life ...right now, and  trust the Universe to take you in directions that you don't have control of, and you say yes...it is a big freaking deal.  I know this world music program is about fun, but for me, it is also about saying yes to something and doing it...hopefully well and seeing where life goes from there.  It is about starting over, not THINKING about starting over. It is action taking place.  I now see why I have been uneasy, but at the same time, it is time to take action and JUST DO IT, insecurities and all.  Like that first time you jump off the diving board...here goes...1, 2, 3, JUMP!!!!

Transitions, Limbo, and The Now

This is all I am taking for almost 6 six weeks

   I came down from the Colorado Mountains over two weeks ago.  I was able to visit one of my dearest friends, Jude  (who just moved to Albuquerque), before I returned to McKinney.  Back in Texas,  I have been staying with my Dad, getting ready for my trip, teaching my four highschool seniors, and seeing friends.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks, and I have had to think about these varied emotions and what they all mean.
     I now feel at home in nature and in my little camper I now call my home.  It was wonderful to be so closely connected with the Universe (nature, energy, and spirit), and I now know that has to be a very important part of the rest of my life.  I will not neglect that side of me again.  When one is alone and on their own schedule, it is not necessarily easy to get deeply spiritual, but it is certainly more easily available to us if we desire.
     As I got closer to cities, people, and to structured life, I became more and more uncomfortable in my skin.  How is this possible considering I have lived in a city most of my life?  Somewhere, "out there" in nature,  I touched something in my core that has always been there.  I've known it was there since I was a young girl.  The question is, however, how do you touch that core anywhere in any situation.  One should not have to be a monk in the wilderness to have peace and a spiritual life.
     For me, I think it takes extra work to have this peace in a busy world,  and I don't think I have realized how to even attempt it.  The amount of busyness, distractions, traffic, and lists of to-do's, can make your head spin on a good day.  Add all the expectations we feel we should meet as well as all the interactions with dozens of people, if not more, each day, and we probably feel lucky we are as nice as we are when we get out of bed each morning.  Being nice, however, is different than having peace.
     I am going to get on a plane tomorrow morning for an incredible start to the next stage of my journey.  I am going to Bali, Indonesia, and I don't arrive until 11 AM Wednesday morning Bali time.  I am attending a World Drumming program for a month, and then I will stay an extra 10 days to hopefully find some volunteer service  opportunities.  I will be on a crowded plane and in airports for about 30 plus hours and then have to deal with airport customs, possible baggage claim problems, drivers, and a lot of people.  Granted, I am looking at the end of the travel and know that the destination is incredible.  But what I am thinking about right now is, how can I make this transition travel time as important as the destination.  I had a friend tell me the other day, "stay present while you are in this transition or you might miss something."  In our culture, it is all about the destination, not about the journey.  I forget that transition, and even limbo, are part of the journey.  We are so quick to wish we could be somewhere else or wish we could have the good memories all over again, that we "miss" a huge part of our lives.  So, with that said, in the morning, I am going to wake a bit earlier and have a little quiet time, I am going to make the most of the time I have with my Dad, and  I am going to be as open and honest as I can be to those I meet at the airport.   I am going to enjoy sipping my coffee, read my book, observe people, say little prayers of gratitude, listen to the sounds and smile at the stressed out travelers and workers and hope that that brings a bit of cheer to their day.  I may even meditate throughout my trip to calm myself.  It is my goal, anyway, because if I can't be at home in my mind and heart, then it really doesn't matter where I am...there will be no peace.  This is new for me, and it is a huge challenge.  It is not just being "nice" that I am after...it is the goal of being at peace in a non-peaceful situation.  I think this is becoming more and more important in our world today.  I hope you will join me in finding the "now" in your transitions, limbos, and non-peaceful times.  I could use the company because this is, I feel, a big part of this next journey, and I don't want to go it alone.
     One last parting word before I leave.  I have been thinking daily about the people in my life, and I want to thank so many people who have supported me in ways that have helped me get to this point.  The list is way to long to type out, and I would be terrified that I might leave someone out.  Just know that if I have cried on your shoulder, had long talks with you, asked you for advice, or if you have given freely to me your love, patience, acceptance, time, and support, it has not gone unnoticed. I have been surrounded by the most incredible people in the last couple of years, and I want to thank you so much.  I have never felt so loved by so many wonderful people as I have the last few years.

Namaste

Coming Down From a High

     Having just come down to about 5000 feet elevation in New Mexico from 9600 feet elevation when I took this peak climb on my last day in Colorado, I have had some time to reflect
on this first 7 weeks of my journey.  I wish I were more poetic in my writing so I could represent
the serenity I have felt being in the beauty of the nature around me. In my last two days, I took 3 gorgeous hikes, took a mountain drive, and visited the Colorado Wolf and Rescue Center.  
     Each hike had it's own flavor in terms of length, terrain, and spiritual moments.  Luckily, Colorado protects it's wildlife much better than many states, and I was able to "be" with the animals as opposed to feeling frightened or separate from them.  My favorite encounter was on my longest hike.
I was climbing a long, winding path, and all of a sudden, a red fox, about the size of a small coyote,
rounded the corner.  We were both startled ever so slightly and then continued our walk tentatively but not in a frightened way.  The fox looked sidewise at me and I at him, and we each swayed a bit to our right sides to create a wider berth. At that point, we were about six feet from each other.  We kept looking at each other from time to time as we passed.  My first thought was that I must get a photo, but as I looked back and realized he had proceeded to trot slowly on without fear of me, I realized that we were equals.  This was not a time for a photo.  I did not want to steal his spirit, and I truly felt that it would be wrong to do this.  About ten paces further down the path, I found a tuft from his tail, and felt that he had given me a gift. 
Hike Number 1

Hike Number 2

After my second hike, I took a beautiful drive for awhile, and stopped at Cripple Creek for a cold and wonderfully satisfying ice cream cone, but with only a little time left before my reservation at the wolf center, I hurried back through the mountains with delight.  This was initially going to  be my first stop on my voyage, but due to snow and high elevation with my camper, I saved it until the last couple of days.  It was a perfect way to end this time.  I had already learned a good bit about the plight of the wolf in America, and this was a wonderful way to cap it off.  The staff people were incredibly passionate and educational, and getting a chance to see wolves being fed was very special.  These are magnificent animals and are, as the fox, our equals and deserve to live on this planet.  Not only that, if they are completely gone due to thoughtless killing  and misunderstanding, our country will suffer an imbalance.   It already is.

       I am in New Mexico, hanging with my friend Jude in Albuqurque, a new friend in Taos, and Lauryn in Santa Fe.  A nice triangle of friendship.  I will also see a friend who will be driving into Albuquerque next Thursday evening, and will have dinner with her and her friends.  A nice week of reconnecting.  I will then head for Texas to stay with my Dad for a few days and prepare for the next part of my voyage.  I will be studying world drumming for a month in Bali and then stay around for an extra ten days to hopefully do some volunteer work of some kind. 
     Where am I emotionally and spiritually?  What have I learned?  I have learned that the natural world is something magnificent to appreciate, respect, and be part of...not to stand on the side and observe.  I have learned that solitude is a wonderful experience that must be a part of our lives so that we can take the time to be still.  I have learned that to be still allows me to empty my mind, which in turn, fills me up with something so beautiful that it is sometimes indescribable.  Something that we can never feel when we are busy "doing" all the time.
     Do I know what my future plans are after Bali?  I have absolutely no idea, but I also feel that these decisions  will come with more
solitude, more experiences, and more quiet listening to something greater than myself....my
intuition, a spirit greater than me, the universe.  Everyone has their own version of what this is. 
I am OK with not knowing.  One of the tattoos on my left arm is a haiku I wrote a year ago...

     Night travelers walk
     Beneath the pure white full
       moon
     Embracing mystery

My most recent tattoo is taken from the introduction to "Women Who Run With the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes...

     No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed.

Hike Number 3- Final Morning in Colorado

I will hopefully be blogging from Bali.  I hope to be able to continue this journey with you.

Thank you for all your support and love thus far.  Namaste.