Square Pegs in Round Holes

     I have been in Ubud for a week and a half.  It is a bustling town where there seems to be as many tourists as locals, but there are a lot of interesting things to see and places to eat.  The program I am in is right in the center of town, and our lives have been centered in about one mile radius of the hotel.  We have hardly venture further than this, so I hope to see more of Bali when the program is over.  The people around us are friendly, and I have tried to get to know a few of them by name.  I am happy to say that several have friended me on Facebook already, and one particularly sweet man, Wayan, who works at the hotel where the program is held,  Face Booked me my first birthday greeting this morning.
     I have seen a couple of wonderful shows in the area.  What I love most is how the Balinese incorporate their spirituality into every single day of their lives.  I want to know more about these rituals and their history because of this.  The shows we see are for the tourists but they are examples of what they do in their own temples. It is fascinating.  I want to come back and just get to know these people.  They have a very rich history and a loving community spirit. I also am so impressed with their religious tolerance here.  It is not denomination tolerance; it is true religious tolerance.  There are Hindus, Muslims, Buddhist, Animists, and Christians, and folks, they all live together well on this island.  We have some things to learn.

     So, you might be wondering about the title of this entry, "Square Pegs in Round Holes".  Society likes everyone to be a round peg in a round hole, but yesterday I was thinking how I have felt like a "square peg" all my life, and I feel very fortunate to know a lot of people who feel the same.  Why the world has structured its societies to not deal with people like us, is a mystery to me.  Most "square pegs" are some of the most interesting and creative people on this planet.  Well, back to the program...I found myself, this week, facing a lot of those same frustrations, fears, and feelings of not being understood, as I did early on in my life, particularly at the college and graduate school level, but also in high school and middle school.  It took me years to realize I was smarter than those bubble tests showed and that I could catch on if things were explained in a way that worked with my brain.  I also need time to assimilate information...visualize it and  play with it.  Thank goodness I have been a teacher for so long and know how I think.
     I have really tried to do this program the way it was set up, but at some point, due to various issues, I lost my confidence and just shut down.  I thought, "Maybe I am just being difficult, and my strong western woman side is just trying to control things.  I think I started trying to control things that I couldn't do anything about, but at one point I came to the conclusion that I know what I need, I know which instruments and teachers I can work with, and I know what I can handle in terms of the kind of teaching and information I am getting.  So, I woke up the next morning and did the things I needed to do to take care of myself, and I talked with some of the other teachers and told them my concerns.  These two teachers, Andy and Jamal, are so very helpful as is one of the students in the group, A.J. I am so grateful that these people are here and understand square pegs and are willing to not put me in a round hole.  I know that I have been both kinds of teacher at times, and I am making a universal apology to all the students I tried to fit into that round hole.  The longer I taught, the more I realized how important this idea is when approaching each student.  I think I finally got it about the time I decided to quit teaching.  Isn't that the way it works?  I guess it is time to use this awareness in new ways, now.

Jamal

Andy

A.J

     I have come so far in opening my heart and my head to where the universe is guiding me.  I still have no idea where that path is leading, but I do know that it is not down a round hole.  At the same time, we all need a support group.  That is a basic human need.  It is very clear at my age now, that what one person thinks I should be doing is not always the best thing for me at the time, and that is OK. I hope that all of us have a little "square peg" in us, and if we have more than our fair share, that we embrace it and let it have glitter and sequins on in.  I am still working on decorating my "square peg",  but I eventually want mine to not only have glitter and sequins, but to also shine with diamonds.  I better keep working!

Starting Over Begins

        I am on Sanur Beach in Bali.  This is my last night here, and then I head to Ubud (about an hour and a half away) tomorrow around noon.  This is such a beautiful place, and it was a perfect place to land after a very long flight.  It took four planes and about 35 hours to arrive.  I feel like I succeeded in my initial goal of staying at peace and I hope that I shared some of this peace with some of those around me.  I must confess that I was not able to muster much sharing when I was getting on my last plane from Singapore to Bali.  My energy was terribly low by then, but I did keep my cool and stayed patient.  I even played a little harmonica with my Balanese driver when he found out I liked the Blues and pulled out his guitar at a stoplight.  I knew I was doing OK at this point.
     My favorite time of being here in the last couple of days has been the sunrises and breakfasts.  I like to try new foods, so I experimented with a lot of foods that were pretty and colorful, but I must confess, I did not know what some of them were.  I think trying foods that are part of the culture is imperative to understanding a new place.  Anyway, being free to do exactly what I want has been the order of both days, and that certainly included a lot of resting, walking on the beach, laughing with pushy sales stall ladies (and yes, I bought some things because I am a pushover!!!!), and getting back into a little yoga and meditation each day.

    Today,  I felt strange as the day wore on, and I have been contemplating it all afternoon.  If you have been reading consistently, you will see a pattern that once I start feeling something other than open contentment,  I know something is brewing.  It finally hit me this evening, after bopping around from one thing to another and finally resting on a silly Goldie Hawn movie with Indonesian subtitles, what has been brewing.  Tomorrow is really the beginning of starting over.
     I met the other students in the program today.  There are only eight of us, but they are all young, smart, percussion students who are either working on their masters degrees or who have just graduated.  They are super nice.  One is from America and the others are Taiwanese who were studying in America and recently gone back to Taiwan.  Now, I know I am a professional musician and have dabbled in percussion, but being almost 55 years old and new to world drumming at this level, my insecurities started inching in.  I will be OK for sure, so I am not looking for anyone to make me feel better.  It is just part of my nature to be a bit uncomfortable in this situation since I have been the teacher for 35 years.  I like learning new things, but being the novice in a group of young talented 20 somethings works on my ego a bit.  Then it started dawning on me that I am a beginner at everything I am doing, whether it be traveling alone, starting new relationships, becoming a gypsy not a homeowner, or beginning over in my vocational and job ideas.  There is not one thing that I am doing that I could say I feel like I have a really good handle on.
     So far, I have been sort of letting myself rest and explore my inner self, but tomorrow I start a real exploration and training in outer things as well.  Learning things that might very well lead to other opportunities.  It is the beginning of new commitments and directions.  Some of you might not see the importance of this, but if you stop to think about changing everything in your life ...right now, and  trust the Universe to take you in directions that you don't have control of, and you say yes...it is a big freaking deal.  I know this world music program is about fun, but for me, it is also about saying yes to something and doing it...hopefully well and seeing where life goes from there.  It is about starting over, not THINKING about starting over. It is action taking place.  I now see why I have been uneasy, but at the same time, it is time to take action and JUST DO IT, insecurities and all.  Like that first time you jump off the diving board...here goes...1, 2, 3, JUMP!!!!

Transitions, Limbo, and The Now

This is all I am taking for almost 6 six weeks

   I came down from the Colorado Mountains over two weeks ago.  I was able to visit one of my dearest friends, Jude  (who just moved to Albuquerque), before I returned to McKinney.  Back in Texas,  I have been staying with my Dad, getting ready for my trip, teaching my four highschool seniors, and seeing friends.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks, and I have had to think about these varied emotions and what they all mean.
     I now feel at home in nature and in my little camper I now call my home.  It was wonderful to be so closely connected with the Universe (nature, energy, and spirit), and I now know that has to be a very important part of the rest of my life.  I will not neglect that side of me again.  When one is alone and on their own schedule, it is not necessarily easy to get deeply spiritual, but it is certainly more easily available to us if we desire.
     As I got closer to cities, people, and to structured life, I became more and more uncomfortable in my skin.  How is this possible considering I have lived in a city most of my life?  Somewhere, "out there" in nature,  I touched something in my core that has always been there.  I've known it was there since I was a young girl.  The question is, however, how do you touch that core anywhere in any situation.  One should not have to be a monk in the wilderness to have peace and a spiritual life.
     For me, I think it takes extra work to have this peace in a busy world,  and I don't think I have realized how to even attempt it.  The amount of busyness, distractions, traffic, and lists of to-do's, can make your head spin on a good day.  Add all the expectations we feel we should meet as well as all the interactions with dozens of people, if not more, each day, and we probably feel lucky we are as nice as we are when we get out of bed each morning.  Being nice, however, is different than having peace.
     I am going to get on a plane tomorrow morning for an incredible start to the next stage of my journey.  I am going to Bali, Indonesia, and I don't arrive until 11 AM Wednesday morning Bali time.  I am attending a World Drumming program for a month, and then I will stay an extra 10 days to hopefully find some volunteer service  opportunities.  I will be on a crowded plane and in airports for about 30 plus hours and then have to deal with airport customs, possible baggage claim problems, drivers, and a lot of people.  Granted, I am looking at the end of the travel and know that the destination is incredible.  But what I am thinking about right now is, how can I make this transition travel time as important as the destination.  I had a friend tell me the other day, "stay present while you are in this transition or you might miss something."  In our culture, it is all about the destination, not about the journey.  I forget that transition, and even limbo, are part of the journey.  We are so quick to wish we could be somewhere else or wish we could have the good memories all over again, that we "miss" a huge part of our lives.  So, with that said, in the morning, I am going to wake a bit earlier and have a little quiet time, I am going to make the most of the time I have with my Dad, and  I am going to be as open and honest as I can be to those I meet at the airport.   I am going to enjoy sipping my coffee, read my book, observe people, say little prayers of gratitude, listen to the sounds and smile at the stressed out travelers and workers and hope that that brings a bit of cheer to their day.  I may even meditate throughout my trip to calm myself.  It is my goal, anyway, because if I can't be at home in my mind and heart, then it really doesn't matter where I am...there will be no peace.  This is new for me, and it is a huge challenge.  It is not just being "nice" that I am after...it is the goal of being at peace in a non-peaceful situation.  I think this is becoming more and more important in our world today.  I hope you will join me in finding the "now" in your transitions, limbos, and non-peaceful times.  I could use the company because this is, I feel, a big part of this next journey, and I don't want to go it alone.
     One last parting word before I leave.  I have been thinking daily about the people in my life, and I want to thank so many people who have supported me in ways that have helped me get to this point.  The list is way to long to type out, and I would be terrified that I might leave someone out.  Just know that if I have cried on your shoulder, had long talks with you, asked you for advice, or if you have given freely to me your love, patience, acceptance, time, and support, it has not gone unnoticed. I have been surrounded by the most incredible people in the last couple of years, and I want to thank you so much.  I have never felt so loved by so many wonderful people as I have the last few years.

Namaste