Fear Burning

     Everyone said, "You must go to Bryce Canyon...It is magical!!"  And, that it is.  I went there the day after I arrived at my new camping area.  Unfortunately, and I knew this, I could only take my dog on the paved area which was about a half a mile long.  That was fine because it WAS magical.  Teddy and I listened to a geological explanation which was pretty good, we walked slowly and peered over the edge, and eventually shared lunch on the rim.  Unfortunately, I could not relax.  I kept feeling this tension that I had experienced from my previous few days (see my previous entry), and something was bubbling up and I could not shake it.  I continued to cruise the highway and stop at different viewpoints along the way which truly were magnificent.  I simply could not feel the same thing that I had felt at the Grand Canyon.
     Later that evening, I realized that I had some stuff to deal with...fears, to be honest with you.  I needed to grow in this area.  The next day I stayed hunkered down at the camper and just laid low the next day.  I read, walked in the forest, and eventually realized that I had strayed from why I came on this trip.  Most people see these things because they are on vacation.  This truly is not a vacation nor is it an adventure, although it has elements of both.  This is part of a larger journey, and I had started doing the tourist thing because it is like tourist candy up here.  There are so many beautiful things to see.
     I also came to realize that although I had walked with fear and did pretty damn well, I had not actually released my fears.  I did a lot of reading and thinking about this, and after a good bit of intentional exploration, started to let go of a lot of my fears.  Those fears that we hear constantly as children, teens, and on into adulthood, "Be careful, be safe, don't fall, don't go out too late at night, don't go to THAT area of town, don't go to THAT country, don't hang out with THAT type of person".  You all know what I am talking about.  We have heard these things since we were born, from parents, teachers, friends, church, movies, news shows, news papers, etc... We are taught most of our lives to not experience life because something bad might happen.  We have forgotten to listen to our own intuition.  I know I have throughout the years, anyway, and I was one of the lucky ones who got to run around all over the neighborhood, even when it got a little dark.  We cannot escape it.  Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who still has a bit of their intuition left.  Hold on to it tight.

     Once I dealt with this at an intimate level, I had a huge break through and quietly sat doing art, practiced my drum, and took a short hike around the Red Canyon visitor Center.  It felt incredibly freeing and calm.  I was back, centered with the Universe again.  That pause and release, that listening to my body and knowing something was "off" (as a good friend of mine says), is the first step to taking back our rightful intuition.  We all have it, but we don't always take the time to listen to it.  As my Dad told me, "We can't fear what hasn't happened.  We can only fear what we make up in our imaginations.  Fear is in the future, and we can't know the future."

Bryce Canyon

  Yesterday morning, I hiked for 2 and a 1/2 hours in the Red Canyon area.  I did not see another human being.  It was so very quiet.  I walked with confidence and with care.  Teddy and I again shared lunch at the top of a Red Canyon Mountain.  My phone had died, my camera battery died at the top, and I did not worry a bit.  I felt at one, and I enjoyed hiking alone with no fear. 
   I did become frightened about a minor episode last night, but I had gained the confidence to know that I did not need to panic, I could take care of myself, and depend on family and friends to be there for me if I needed.  Nothing happened, but yet again, it felt good to be able to handle a situation by thinking clearly and doing what I needed to do.

     Today I am in a new town and checking into the local art and hiking scene.  I have grown used to the quiet, so I don't know how long I can handle the road traffic and people noise.  I give it 3 days max. 

The Red Canyon Hike