12:12:12:12

   

Drumming Outside of Big Sky Cave

  December 12, 2019, twelve minutes after midnight will be here shortly.  12:12:12:12...a Cold Full Moon.  What better time to write could there possibly be?  My wood stove is blazing hot and I've been holed up in my house for four days without driving, due to mud that is so thick and slippery, I have no desire to get out at all.  I have had a lot of time to contemplate, feel, create, connect with old friends via the phone, but mostly, I've contemplated human transformation.  I am continuing to move into a new phase and as wonderful as the outcome may be, it is not always an easy experience.  And from many deep conversations with friends lately, I know that I am not alone.  Something is shifting in a very meaningful way.  Transformation is taking place all around this planet.  Old skins are shedding, and eventually, new skins will take their place.  

12:12:12:12

     During this time, I am realizing how important it is to observe what needs attention so that old habits and conditioning don't sabotage the process.  I'm not close to being "done".  I've just realized that transformation is happening, actually, but it is already time to take some initiative.  In the past, I have written about letting things just fall into place as they need to.  I am still saying that same thing, but I have a feeling that in this rebuilding phase, there comes a time to gather the tools that you feel you might need, make some kind of plan on how to sharpen these tools, be willing to be flexible if you feel that the plan needs tweaking, and then just trust that what got you here to begin with will push you onward and upward.

Watercolor I did yesterday

     I was just talking with a friend yesterday about this, and the word that kept coming up was "trust".  People will often tell others who might be going through a huge transformation or have a serious illness that they are brave and strong.  Those of us who have been in this situation don't often feel brave at all and are usually scared to death.  What is really going on is a huge amount of trust because in situations like these, there is often not a choice.  I know that all my changes were literally thrust upon me, and the real courage was in just trusting that something greater than me was going to catch me and hold me when I needed care.  I am still having to trust at this very moment.  The minute I don't, the conditioning of my past, of other people, and the world at large, can turn me into a bowl of jiggly jello.  Self doubt can loom like a three-headed beast.

     I sat down today to make a list of some detailed intentions that I have for this next phase of rebuilding, but I won't bore you with the details.  We all have to create our own individual intentions, but I will tell you some of the bigger thoughts that are wrapped around my intentions.  

     I know that the contacts I make with people or with nature must be as meaningful as a prayer.  This is where we can help transform others.  I can't change how they treat me, but I must learn to truly be with them whether they are human, animal, rock, or plant.

Jude and Me on the Land

Dad at Big Sky

 Secondly, I know that when I use the gifts that I have been given, I must think about them truly as gifts and share them with others as something sacred.  There is no more time to hold back because of perfectionism or other forms of ego.  In doing this, we share our spirit with the world around us, and what greater love is this? Receiving other's gifts in this way is equally important. 

Winter Concert-Keyboard Improvisation

Winter Concert with Riqq

 I also know that it is time to stop teaching in the traditional sense.  I want to lay down my teacher's robes and let them stay where they fall.  I want to teach when the opportunity arises and learn to stay quiet when it does not.  But when I am asked to help or teach, I want to walk with and beside whomever I help as opposed to telling them what they should do.

Me at a Drum Facilitation Workshop (my knee anyway!)

   And lastly, I want to walk in solitude more and more and get my head out of the techno cloud so that I can truly listen and feel.  I want to know what it feels like to just breathe.  That's a tall order in this world. today.  It's a tall order for me. We live in an addictive world in which most of us, have forgotten that we even breathe at all.

     So, I guess my thoughts these days are to get close up and personal with what is in front of my face and be present with what or who is there.  That means not being on-call 24/7 to social media and chat which is no easy task. I've been fearful of losing my larger community, but you know what?  When the heart is open and receptive, the community lives on at a deeper level. Close up can be face to face conversations, phone conversations, letters, emails, one to one texts.  There are so many ways to really communicate at a deep level.  But we must all take time to be alone and just breathe.

I am looking at my clock and it has just turned midnight.  I will say a gratitude for the moon as it turns 12:12:12:12. Good Night Moon.