Places Everyone...AND...ACTION!

 

  It has been a long time since I posted a blog post.  Actually, I didn't think that I would be posting again, but something is gnawing at me.  I don't quite know what that gnawing is, but I am being forced to listen.  Usually when something has been bothering me for this long, I would have dealt with it already, but the house is almost finished, and the amount of work I have had to do in the last many months has kept me preoccupied enough to not necessarily ignore it, but to be forced to side step it regularly.  This is not the way I like to roll these days, but there it is.  With all that said, I'm baaaack!

     I have been living in the house since the beginning of June...shhhhh...don't tell anyone because it is not finished.  Dad moved in with me at the same time, and boy did we hop to work right away.  We worked like dogs, grouting, staining, polying, and painting for about a month and a half before we had running water, a toilet, and an oven range.  We did just fine with my outhouse, a camp stove, and a hydrant, but boy, was it exciting the day that all of that came into the house!  Everyone was jazzed.  It was a  big day to say the least.  That evening, Dad and I sat down to dinner, and I looked around.  I felt strange.  I tried to describe my feelings and then I started to sob.  Nothing felt right.  I went from being a hard working laboror to home owner in one fell swoop.  I realized I had grown used to roughing it, and I was proud of that.  I still am.  I wondered, "What the hell am I doing in such a nice place with these luxuries?"  I realize now that I had created an identity around the hard work, the rare shower, the roughing it for the last couple of years, and I was clinging to that identity, as strange as that might sound. 

     We talked about these feelings over dinner, and I have come to realize that yet again, this really isn't MY house.  I didn't ever really plan to do this.  It just seemed the next right step, and I kept saying yes over and over again.  For some reason, this event happened, and I will now let the next part unfold and see what this land and house are up to.  It has been the single most difficult thing I have ever done.  I know it was an equally, if not more challenging, project for my builder.  The weather over the winter was the worst in this area in nine years.  Finding decent help was almost nonexistent. People from Albuquerque who came out to do some major work, charged a fortune.  But in the end, I am so proud to say that I did more than my fair share of rolling up my sleeves and working throughout the whole project.  My builder, Don, has taught me so much, for which I am so grateful.  

     As we come to the final phase of the house, I am now left with this gnawing sensation which seems to be growing.  I still don't know what it is.  Maybe a lack of direction, maybe fears of what's to come, maybe a new life full of uncertainty, Maybe it's a new lifestyle with people around now, (remember, I have been living alone in my small camper for awhile now). Maybe it's this or maybe it's that....who really knows, but for some reason, I am feeling somewhat cloaked again.  Fear does this.  It's something to pay attention to.  

     I'm not sure why we, as modern humans, cloak ourselves and create fear and discomfort that is not real.  No fear is real unless something is harming us right in this very moment.  There is so much fear in the world right now.  It is epidemic, and yet, most of it is not real.  So, now I am having more time to look at this gnawing, this discomfort, and I'm having to sit with it.  Some friends recently told me, "You know what to do, Toni. Just do it."  I hate that, but they are right.  What I desire is immediate answers that will make me feel open-hearted, loving, and above all else...all knowing.  Oh dear, that last part is me trying to play God!  Not a good idea.  I guess I better back up and do this another way.

The view after a hard day of roofing

Don, painting

Austin, my son, after a week of helping tile my floors.  Thank you my dear!

     So today, I realized that sometimes this gnawing cloak can't be thrown off like a coat, but needs to be gradually peeled away.  I think I can only sit with the feeling for so long, and then I need to take action...any action.  Today I took a hike, the first one since Easter.  I talked to my Creator a lot of the way, I burned some sage, I took some photos, and then?  I went and bought some toilet paper.  Action is action after all.  I'm staying in touch with a few close friends, I meditate, I'll start doing art and music soon, even if it is small little pieces, and tonight I decided to blog.  So thank you for allowing me this time to include you, the readers, in my action.  if you are still with me at the close of this post, I am honored.  Let's see what peeling this cloak off will reveal.  Join me in peeling off your own cloak, but only if you are ready.  Unclenching is a lot of work.

Taking a walk...action