12:12:12:12

   

Drumming Outside of Big Sky Cave

  December 12, 2019, twelve minutes after midnight will be here shortly.  12:12:12:12...a Cold Full Moon.  What better time to write could there possibly be?  My wood stove is blazing hot and I've been holed up in my house for four days without driving, due to mud that is so thick and slippery, I have no desire to get out at all.  I have had a lot of time to contemplate, feel, create, connect with old friends via the phone, but mostly, I've contemplated human transformation.  I am continuing to move into a new phase and as wonderful as the outcome may be, it is not always an easy experience.  And from many deep conversations with friends lately, I know that I am not alone.  Something is shifting in a very meaningful way.  Transformation is taking place all around this planet.  Old skins are shedding, and eventually, new skins will take their place.  

12:12:12:12

     During this time, I am realizing how important it is to observe what needs attention so that old habits and conditioning don't sabotage the process.  I'm not close to being "done".  I've just realized that transformation is happening, actually, but it is already time to take some initiative.  In the past, I have written about letting things just fall into place as they need to.  I am still saying that same thing, but I have a feeling that in this rebuilding phase, there comes a time to gather the tools that you feel you might need, make some kind of plan on how to sharpen these tools, be willing to be flexible if you feel that the plan needs tweaking, and then just trust that what got you here to begin with will push you onward and upward.

Watercolor I did yesterday

     I was just talking with a friend yesterday about this, and the word that kept coming up was "trust".  People will often tell others who might be going through a huge transformation or have a serious illness that they are brave and strong.  Those of us who have been in this situation don't often feel brave at all and are usually scared to death.  What is really going on is a huge amount of trust because in situations like these, there is often not a choice.  I know that all my changes were literally thrust upon me, and the real courage was in just trusting that something greater than me was going to catch me and hold me when I needed care.  I am still having to trust at this very moment.  The minute I don't, the conditioning of my past, of other people, and the world at large, can turn me into a bowl of jiggly jello.  Self doubt can loom like a three-headed beast.

     I sat down today to make a list of some detailed intentions that I have for this next phase of rebuilding, but I won't bore you with the details.  We all have to create our own individual intentions, but I will tell you some of the bigger thoughts that are wrapped around my intentions.  

     I know that the contacts I make with people or with nature must be as meaningful as a prayer.  This is where we can help transform others.  I can't change how they treat me, but I must learn to truly be with them whether they are human, animal, rock, or plant.

Jude and Me on the Land

Dad at Big Sky

 Secondly, I know that when I use the gifts that I have been given, I must think about them truly as gifts and share them with others as something sacred.  There is no more time to hold back because of perfectionism or other forms of ego.  In doing this, we share our spirit with the world around us, and what greater love is this? Receiving other's gifts in this way is equally important. 

Winter Concert-Keyboard Improvisation

Winter Concert with Riqq

 I also know that it is time to stop teaching in the traditional sense.  I want to lay down my teacher's robes and let them stay where they fall.  I want to teach when the opportunity arises and learn to stay quiet when it does not.  But when I am asked to help or teach, I want to walk with and beside whomever I help as opposed to telling them what they should do.

Me at a Drum Facilitation Workshop (my knee anyway!)

   And lastly, I want to walk in solitude more and more and get my head out of the techno cloud so that I can truly listen and feel.  I want to know what it feels like to just breathe.  That's a tall order in this world. today.  It's a tall order for me. We live in an addictive world in which most of us, have forgotten that we even breathe at all.

     So, I guess my thoughts these days are to get close up and personal with what is in front of my face and be present with what or who is there.  That means not being on-call 24/7 to social media and chat which is no easy task. I've been fearful of losing my larger community, but you know what?  When the heart is open and receptive, the community lives on at a deeper level. Close up can be face to face conversations, phone conversations, letters, emails, one to one texts.  There are so many ways to really communicate at a deep level.  But we must all take time to be alone and just breathe.

I am looking at my clock and it has just turned midnight.  I will say a gratitude for the moon as it turns 12:12:12:12. Good Night Moon.

     

      

Notes From A Cave

 

     I am sitting by the window of my bedroom.  It has been raining for two hours;  a much needed rain.  I have been surprised at the dryness of this monsoon season and the strange habits that the animals are having.  They, too, are in need of water.  The coyotes are pacing and yipping way too near the house, the pinon jays are trying to get the little nuts out of the hard green unripe pine cones, and the hummingbirds are literally gorging on the sugar water we put out.  It is as if they are watching our every move to see if we are coming with this ambrosia.   And us human animals?  We, my Dad and I, are just grateful to have a cooler temperature today and some moist air, as well as an excuse to hunker down and just "be" for a couple of hours after an incredibly difficult week of physical, mental, and emotional work.
     We have brought back the final load from our storage unit in Texas.  There are no more storage units!  That in itself is a huge accomplishment.  The number of new storage units I see built each time I go back tells me that perhaps the subject of letting go is a serious one.  I won't go into that, however, since mine are finally empty.  I simply don't want to think about that subject right now.  I only have a few more boxes to unpack and then that will be done.  In terms of the multiple bins of photographs my Dad and I brought back,  they are covered in tarps and will be dealt with another day.  That will be another letting go process.
     I have been lying on my bed listening to the rain and feeling the urge to write.  It's interesting that I feel this way because what I have also wanted to do is crawl in a cave like a bear and just be.  Life just keeps moving forward, however, and much hard work still has to be done.  Fall has not yet arrived, but it is around the corner.  A shed has to be built, I must put snow blocks on the roof before it gets cold, and gravel has to be spread all around the house and driveway.  I am weary in every way, but what is apparent to me is that this path is still going forward, with or without me, and I'll be damned if I quit now.
     In this new spiral of life, I am needing to take care of myself, be quiet, feel my heart and body more deeply,  and accept that life is truly a mixed up jumble of whatever is swirling around us.  As our president is tweeting insanity,  people are being shot just for going shopping.   Individuals in leadership positions and entire industries refuse to take responsibility for their own bad behavior, and we are left to decide how to move in a way that will make a positive impact in the world around us.  Today I found myself lost in a mixture of emotions that have been building throughout the week, and at one point, I was very angry about some work I had had done on my camper.  The work was shoddy, and I yet again have to take my camper to a town an hour and a half away to have it repaired correctly.  I stopped what I was doing due to my anger, and went directly to the phone.  I took a few deep breaths and called the company who had worked on the camper.  I had to confront the owner, but before I did, I realized that my demeanor at that moment had to be direct, calm, and kind. Luckily, I was successful.  I still have to take the camper back, but it will be fixed at no extra charge.  It was during this time that I realized that being solid in myself is the way to move in this world today.  We must become more direct yet kind, have more face to face time and less indirect communication, and walk like a bear with a purpose.

     This inner cave I want to be in is a place I  want to rest, to feel, to grieve what needs to be grieved, to observe, to rejuvenate and then?... lumber slowly out of the cave and yawn,  stand firm in who I am, and quietly walk through the forest of life taking the next step that the path asks me to take.  No grumbling is needed because each step is simply the step that brings what it brings.  I want to accept what is presented and respond the best I can.  We must all keep in mind that love is the only thing being asked of us.  If we know that we are trying to approach each moment as lovingly as we can for both ourselves and those around us, then we did our job that day.
     I have known for awhile that my path is leading me to help heal nature and help people through meditation, nature, art and music.  This hibernation time may well be a time to allow for next steps.  I recently saw an article about the climate strike our world's youth will be holding on September 20th.  They are anxious, as they should be, about the future of this planet and their own futures in it.  We have let them down by knowing there was a problem and just hoping that someone else would fix it.  And if you still don't think there is a problem, just good common sense must be telling you that recycling and cutting down on consumption is basically a good idea.  My patience with this debate is completely over, so you will have to be patient with me if I refuse to debate it any more.
      I am not in an area where I can formally strike, but I will do something.  I might fast, or drum, post nature poetry to friends, or meditate on my land.  I also might write my representatives on the 20th.   I might do all of the above.   I will certainly make it a day of prayer in gratitude for what the earth and our environment has given us and how it constantly and patiently tells us what it needs despite our neglect and aggressive destruction.  Also during this time, I must retreat to my inner cave.  I know that self-compassion and compassion for the world must go hand in hand.  We can no longer escape what the universe is asking us to do. It is literally screaming for help.  So, let's do what we absolutely must, for our own self care, stand firm in who we are, rest when we need, but say "yes, I'm ready to do what I can for this planet and for all the creatures on it."  Let's get quieter, listen harder, and be ready for what comes.  The bigger picture is huge, hard, and beautiful.  Grumbling time is over.  I'll be lumbering out of my cave in a few weeks or a few months...I;m not sure when.  I have no deadline for this, but I hope to get a bear hug from some of you as you walk out of your caves as well.

 

   

Places Everyone...AND...ACTION!

 

  It has been a long time since I posted a blog post.  Actually, I didn't think that I would be posting again, but something is gnawing at me.  I don't quite know what that gnawing is, but I am being forced to listen.  Usually when something has been bothering me for this long, I would have dealt with it already, but the house is almost finished, and the amount of work I have had to do in the last many months has kept me preoccupied enough to not necessarily ignore it, but to be forced to side step it regularly.  This is not the way I like to roll these days, but there it is.  With all that said, I'm baaaack!

     I have been living in the house since the beginning of June...shhhhh...don't tell anyone because it is not finished.  Dad moved in with me at the same time, and boy did we hop to work right away.  We worked like dogs, grouting, staining, polying, and painting for about a month and a half before we had running water, a toilet, and an oven range.  We did just fine with my outhouse, a camp stove, and a hydrant, but boy, was it exciting the day that all of that came into the house!  Everyone was jazzed.  It was a  big day to say the least.  That evening, Dad and I sat down to dinner, and I looked around.  I felt strange.  I tried to describe my feelings and then I started to sob.  Nothing felt right.  I went from being a hard working laboror to home owner in one fell swoop.  I realized I had grown used to roughing it, and I was proud of that.  I still am.  I wondered, "What the hell am I doing in such a nice place with these luxuries?"  I realize now that I had created an identity around the hard work, the rare shower, the roughing it for the last couple of years, and I was clinging to that identity, as strange as that might sound. 

     We talked about these feelings over dinner, and I have come to realize that yet again, this really isn't MY house.  I didn't ever really plan to do this.  It just seemed the next right step, and I kept saying yes over and over again.  For some reason, this event happened, and I will now let the next part unfold and see what this land and house are up to.  It has been the single most difficult thing I have ever done.  I know it was an equally, if not more challenging, project for my builder.  The weather over the winter was the worst in this area in nine years.  Finding decent help was almost nonexistent. People from Albuquerque who came out to do some major work, charged a fortune.  But in the end, I am so proud to say that I did more than my fair share of rolling up my sleeves and working throughout the whole project.  My builder, Don, has taught me so much, for which I am so grateful.  

     As we come to the final phase of the house, I am now left with this gnawing sensation which seems to be growing.  I still don't know what it is.  Maybe a lack of direction, maybe fears of what's to come, maybe a new life full of uncertainty, Maybe it's a new lifestyle with people around now, (remember, I have been living alone in my small camper for awhile now). Maybe it's this or maybe it's that....who really knows, but for some reason, I am feeling somewhat cloaked again.  Fear does this.  It's something to pay attention to.  

     I'm not sure why we, as modern humans, cloak ourselves and create fear and discomfort that is not real.  No fear is real unless something is harming us right in this very moment.  There is so much fear in the world right now.  It is epidemic, and yet, most of it is not real.  So, now I am having more time to look at this gnawing, this discomfort, and I'm having to sit with it.  Some friends recently told me, "You know what to do, Toni. Just do it."  I hate that, but they are right.  What I desire is immediate answers that will make me feel open-hearted, loving, and above all else...all knowing.  Oh dear, that last part is me trying to play God!  Not a good idea.  I guess I better back up and do this another way.

The view after a hard day of roofing

Don, painting

Austin, my son, after a week of helping tile my floors.  Thank you my dear!

     So today, I realized that sometimes this gnawing cloak can't be thrown off like a coat, but needs to be gradually peeled away.  I think I can only sit with the feeling for so long, and then I need to take action...any action.  Today I took a hike, the first one since Easter.  I talked to my Creator a lot of the way, I burned some sage, I took some photos, and then?  I went and bought some toilet paper.  Action is action after all.  I'm staying in touch with a few close friends, I meditate, I'll start doing art and music soon, even if it is small little pieces, and tonight I decided to blog.  So thank you for allowing me this time to include you, the readers, in my action.  if you are still with me at the close of this post, I am honored.  Let's see what peeling this cloak off will reveal.  Join me in peeling off your own cloak, but only if you are ready.  Unclenching is a lot of work.

Taking a walk...action