The Butterfly Has Landed: My Final Post

      This is my final post on Night Walker’s Journey.  Some of you might be thinking, “Thank goodness!  Finally, she is going to stop bugging me with all her crazy stuff!”  Others may have only read a handful of my writings and just didn’t want to bother or did not feel they had the time.  And then some of you may have enjoyed them and may be a little sad that this is the final post.  I expect that all are true.  For those who have enjoyed Night Walker’s Journey, I want to thank you for your warm thoughts, energy, and love.  I want to thank you for being in my life.  My writing “career” is not over, however. It will just take another direction.  I look forward to seeing what that is.  I actually did not know I liked to write until I started this blog.  I was told, as a freshman in college, that it was probably a good thing I was in music and not writing.  It just goes to show that you do not have to be perfect at something to enjoy it and put it out into the universe. 

     Why am I closing this chapter of my writing?  I went to bed last night, and while I was spending time in meditation and contemplation, something became crystal clear to me.  It is this clarity, I now realize, I have been searching for since I began my journey back in the spring of 2017.  I have known it, intellectually, but I just couldn’t make all the pieces fit.  Last night, however, the puzzle came together. 

     I was still batting around ideas of what the future might have in store for me, despite knowing that I would have to “embrace the mystery”.   I was pondering over which direction I should take and what I needed to study next.  This searching for direction has been a several decade issue for me.  Even when my focus switched over to a more spiritual and healing direction, my mind went right back to, “What am I good at?  What is my path really leading me to?  How might I organize my studies the way I need to, to best follow this path? What am iuI supposed to be doing right now?”  You know… that control thing again. 

     Then the light came on!  It all fell into place.  It’s not like I haven’t heard it before or even written it, but I finally felt its essence.  I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be down ing right this very moment, and this one…Oh!…and this one.  My only job is to live each day knowing that I am living the most open and awake life I can live, and then  share my gifts, lend a helping hand, and encourage others to wake up to their own hearts.  How can I do this? I must strive to be my best self; to be a yogi, a Bodhisattva, a Spiritual Warrior.   A pastor in America recently proclaimed from the pulpit that yoga is of the devil.  I am paraphrasing, but it gets the point across.  He can’t see, due to his own perspective and misinformed views, that there are many ways to connect with one’s Higher Power.  Our interconnectedness depends on us dropping our perspectives and walls, and it is our responsibility to allow each and every person to find their personal path in their own way.  It doesn’t matter how one gets to this point, it just matters that they get to it! Once things start falling into place, the idea of treating ourselves and each other with love, kindness, and forgiveness BECOMES our purpose.  This purpose doesn’t take organizing, studying or creating websites.  It takes waking up every day and committing oneself to this purpose.  How we do this does not really matter because the work is already being done if we are committed.  Anything we do beyond this purpose will simply add flavor and depth.  

I will continue to write, paint, sculpt, play music, do yoga, teach meditation, study spiritual and healing paths, do drum circles and be in nature, and I hope to learn some new things as I grow. These are only tools, however.  They are a means to an end.  They make life interesting and they keep me focused.  They are not a job, or a hobby, or a vocation.  They are the tools I have been given to share my spirit…my best self.  We have all been given tools.  That is why our lives look different on the outside, but our true jobs are all the same…to realize we are all connected and to open up to each other in divine love.   People everywhere want peace, but at the same time, these same people put up their walls of fear each day, look at others with a judging and critical eye, and treat themselves pretty badly as well.  Then they wonder why there are so many problems in the world. No one is exempt.  We all do it!  We are simple, earthly humans who are stuck in patterns.  But knowing this now, that my true job, my path, and my purpose has been going on for a long time each and every moment, helps to break through this illusion of control.  It simply doesn’t matter what I do for a living, or what my house looks like, or how I spend my time, as long as each day is filled sharing my love and spirit with myself, another human being, an animal, the natural world, an unseen spirit…or most of all, my Creator.  Our culture is so focused and wrapped up in the idea of success and getting ahead and being right, it is hard to have clarity.  It has taken a lot of work and time to finally pull away some of my layers and finally realize…IT DOES NOT MATTER!  I could clean toilets for the rest of my life and continue to follow this noble path.  Right now, that is pretty close to how my life is anyway.  And I like it!

Twisted Cedars

     I am still going to sit, as a wolf, in my “dark cabin” for a bit.  It is foggy, snowy, and cold.  My house is still open to the elements and the snow is blowing in, but I have faith that it will be finished before the winter is done.  And if that changes, that will be OK, too.  I know, however, that I am no longer sitting and waiting to see what is around the corner with impatience and searching.  I am right where I need to be… right now.  I am on the trail, and it is a glorious trail.

A Winter Morning

Preparing to do long distance drumming and meditation with Jude

Teddy Barking at the Howling Coyotes

     I was given a gift, after my mother died, of feeling her spirit guide me to begin following my heart.  I can honestly say that it has been a difficult and arduous journey, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  She knew that there was more inside of me than what I was opening to.  She helped me unlock the door to these last few years of awakening. I know there are many of you who have had similar experiences of connection after a loved one died.  Many wonderful people have come out of nowhere to help guide me along the way, as well.  You know who you are, and I am eternally grateful.   My journey is not over, and honestly, I think this new path is actually just beginning.  It feels like I have been scrambling along a very rough and windy trail only to come out of the trees to see that I have finally arrived at the trailhead.  Now the next journey begins.  I think it is an Infinite Journey.  It began before me and will continue after I die.  But here on out, in this life, I want to use my open heart and my gifts as tools to light my way, and I hope I can use them to light the way for others, as well. 

Mom, thank you for guiding me to the trailhead of this path.  I expect to have many visits with you at the Butterfly Tree I plan to create for us.  I love you so very much.  Goodbye.

P.S. Readers and friends…Please stay in touch, and share your journeys with me.  Connection with others is everything!

Butterfly Tree

Definitions:

Yogi- “The word yogi actually embraces any serious spiritual seeker who consciously and methodically aspires to achieve harmony, balance, and refined consciousness.”

                                                                                       Russill Paul, The Yoga of Sound

Bodhisattva- “A Bodhisattva is someone with pure, impeccable intentions- a gentle yet fearless spiritual warrior who strives unceasingly to help everyone reach nirvanic peace and enlightenment.”

                                                                       Lama Surya Das, Awakening to the Buddha Within

Spiritual Warrior- “The term spiritual warrior is used in Tibetan Buddhism for one who combats the universal enemy: self-ignorance, the ultimate source of suffering according to Buddhist philosophy.  A heroic being with a brave mind and ethical impulse.

                                                                                                Wikipedia

 

A Good Friend

 

   Receiving Medicine from a Tree

Although she leans a little to the side,

this magnificent being holds itself strong from the roots up.

Her branches radiate out from random points like turning points in her life.

She didn’t plan these points of growth.

She didn’t make a list of things to do to make them grow.

She simply stood strong and allowed life to happen.

Some branches have been severed and some have naturally fallen.

Her intuition led the way, not a controlling nature.

She trusts the Universe to make her complete.

She pulses with energy at a very deep level that says,

“I am still here, world.  I cannot be forgotten because I am alive.”

Her bark, like our skin, has grown old and weathered,

but there is a magnificent beauty in her aging.

I find myself pulled to her each and every day.

I will make an alter to her and other beings like her

so that I may learn from her medicine.

I am grateful for her teachings.

OM

Embracing Mystery

"Joan of Arc"

Night travelers walk 

Beneath the pure white full moon

Embracing Mystery

      

Toni Austin-Allen (haiku I wrote for my forearm tatoo)

     Last night I stayed up late watching “Everest”.  I don’t know if the movie triggered my mood or lying in my camper at 1 o’clock in the morning, as the winter was creeping, in triggered it.  It was probably a little of both.  Whatever the reason, I found myself sad, doubting, and lonely. I thought about all the people I simply “knew” I had disappointed by continuing on my life’s journey.  I know that none of my friends and readers have ever experienced this feeling in the middle of a dark night, right?!  Actually, I can’t imagine that there is a person out there who has not experienced this feeling!

     As the morning dawned, I made my daily pot of coffee and lay back down for my morning readings and meditations.  What did I read but this, “Happiness is not an accident.  It comes from following the spiritual voice found in each of us.  This isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, the voice tells us to do things we’re afraid of.”  Then, “The Spiritual voice inside us speaks of care and love.  It will never tell us to hurt others or ourselves….If we follow this guiding voice, it will lead us to happiness.”

     I have had several friends say to me, “I really want to follow my path, but Toni, my path isn’t going to look like yours!”  My first inner response is, “Oh my god, I hope not!”  My path, although it may look romantic on the outside, is not very romantic, and it is not very easy in terms of comfort.  I had a “knowing” about this very early on, when I was traveling, that comfort was going to be an issue in my future.  Right now, I have been back in my camper for three months, the winter is quickly approaching, my bathroom is a bucket, I wash my dishes in the cold  well water outside, I get a bath or shower no more than twice a week, sometimes only once a week, and trips to get stuff are 40 to 90 minutes away. My house is being built as I write, however, so I know that this is a means to an end.  It too, has not been easy because good help is hard to find out here.  I spent all last week fixing something important to the foundation of the house, as well as helping out my builder until we could find skilled labor.  I am NOT skilled labor, but I did enjoy the work. I haven’t made any friends out here yet.  I have another “knowing” that I need to lay low, work in the direction that is speaking to me, and eventually, people and happenings will come when it is time.  Mostly I am in contact with some nice and helpful men who are watching out for me and my house, but not once in all this time have any of them asked me what I really think or feel about anything. Sometimes that gets tiring, but it makes me so very grateful for my friends and family far and wide.  I do not take them for granted anymore.  With all that said, I don’t feel that I would do it any other way, and I really don’t dwell about my lack of modern comfort.  This is what my spiritual voice has led me to, so as the modern phrase says, “It is what it is”.  That doesn’t mean I don’t question my choices, it just means that I have to dig deeper each and every day so I keep listening to this voice and not fall prey to my fearful and doubtful mind.

     Through this, I have discovered that when people talk about “waking up,” they aren’t saying that all things will become clear.  I think what this means is that the only thing that really becomes clear is that this life we are leading is much more mysterious and complex than we could ever imagine.  There are forces at work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, that we have no control over, and our job is to listen to this inner voice and follow it to the best of our abilities.  We run around all day every day thinking that we can control our lives and everyone else’s.  We make ourselves miserable by doing this, and if we don’t get the results we want from those around us, we often make their lives miserable as well. 

     Do I still want to know what is going to happen in the future?  Absolutely!  Will I ever get the answer ahead of time?  Absolutely not!  But knowing this, my life has much less chance of falling into disappointment, boredom, or despair.  In fact, it takes a huge load off because I am not in charge anymore.  It is a seemingly scarier way to live until you realize that this voice is truly leading us to happiness.  Embracing the mystery of it all, and realizing that our existence is pretty damn magical, is what I feel “waking up” means. 

     I had a vision during my quiet time this morning that symbolized where I am right now.  I was a wolf, off in the distance, watching a tall, handsome native man.  He was standing looking at his young daughter who was sitting in the sand.  His wife was behind him as was the village.  He was a scout and had his eyes looking outward.  I thought he might start walking in search of something, but he turned and walked around to the back of the village and entered into a dark cabin.  I watched him enter, and then, I eventually followed him inside.  We sat in complete darkness.  We just sat…silently.  He did not speak to me nor I to him.

     We are all so afraid of the dark, but isn’t that where the mystery dwells?  I encourage you to turn out the light, and just listen. 

"Waiting To Build"

"My Little Home...So grateful"

"Enjoying the work, and Teddy helped"

"Morning Light"

"Beauty in the Dark"