Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Becoming Nobody








     Today  is January 9th, 2018. Four years ago, today, my mother died.  Three years ago on this same day, I was at a silent yoga and meditation retreat in Hawaii desperately searching for a way out of my grief and tension while at the same time, trying to sell the house my husband and I were living in.  Two years ago during this week, I finally came to my truth that I had long ago suspected but pushed  into the deep recesses of my mind, that I am a lesbian and I could no longer deny it.  I came out to my husband during this time.  One year ago, we divorced and both started our difficult paths of healing and rebuilding our lives.  I am more grateful than you can ever know, that today, my Dad, my ex-husband, my son, and I will be joining together as a loving family of friends to celebrate my mother with a few quiet moments and lunch at one of her favorite restaurants, the El Fenix in downtown Dallas.  
      “Why am I writing this now?”,   you might ask.   I “came out” to all the people I felt I needed   to at least two years ago.  I am writing this now because of something that happened to me the other day.  My Dad and I had gone to visit a dear friend who only has a short time to live.  He, his wife, my Dad, and I ended our visit talking about the afterlife, and I found myself talking about my feelings about life after death and spirituality.  I had a visceral reaction to my thoughts and felt terribly emotional at a deep level.  I felt so strongly about this spiritual dialogue even though I have no knowledge of theological issues at any real level.  On the way home, I contemplated on a new feeling I was having… the feeling that I am an empty vessel, a blank slate, so to speak, and at the same time, everything feels perfect, exactly as it is.  When we are allowing truth, we are moving in this world the way we should be moving. This was unlike any feeling I have ever had, and I know that I have come to this place of spiritual awareness by walking through a lot of pain, fear, and hard decisions. I realized I am in a beautiful process that the wonderful Indian musician, Ravi Shankar, described so beautifully, “The whole  evolution of man is from being somebody, to being nobody, and from being nobody, to being everybody.”
      I, and my family, have dealt with all of this with a great amount of love and compassion.  I could not ask for a more loving family.  Through these difficult years, however, I knew that something huge was pulling me.  The pull to be my most authentic self was kicking and dragging me to do what I had to do.  Through it all, I have learned to feel a sense of love and spirituality that I never in my wildest dreams would think I was capable of feeling.   I realize, in this new place of being a “nobody”, a person starting completely over, that it is through authenticity and absolute love where we can best be of use to this world that so desperately needs us. 

     As I listened to Oprah’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globe Awards  Ceremony  last night, it became very clear that all of us need to be our best and truest selves if we are to help each other in these difficult times.  The truer and more loving we are, the better chance we have of making a difference in this world.  We must love all of ourselves or we really are not useful in the ways we are meant to be.  When we follow the path to absolute authenticity, we are who we are.  We really don’t have a choice anymore, so the whole idea of intolerance and hatred becomes ludicrous.  We simply are who we are.  I don’t recommend my journey to anyone, but I am honored to be on it, nonetheless.  I didn’t have a choice in this journey, either.  It was simply time.  It chose me.  As a woman during these times of global conflict, I feel it is time to stand up, love who I am, and just do the best job I can to love and help this beautiful planet be a better place.  Now that I am a “nobody”, I am ready to rebuild my life to embrace everybody. 



7 comments:

  1. Completely and utterly beautiful. So well said. You understand that everyone and everything is connected and that there are no mistakes. You live by the truth that every experience has gifts of consciousness and you seek those gifts for expansion of your consciousness . . . this is the Cause and Effect Results of Ascension to a new dimension and Exiting the Matrix . . . there are so many other experiences of what you can expect . . . post exiting the matrix. I will share in an email post to you... much love on your journey.

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  2. How beautiful, Rebecca. I can't wait to sit down for a long conversation f2f.

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  3. So, I have tried to comment twice and I'm not sure if I am completely technologically inept or if perhaps there was something wrong with my comment. I came across your blog when Ann Hill shared it on facebook. Being an insecure and incredibly nerdy child, I have always looked up to you and I am a big fan of your family, especially your mom. I love your raw vulnerability and the beautiful way you paint life with words. I do believe your mom had a gifts in helping people to fly - I read your entry about butterflies and it reminded me of a magnet I have at home that reads - Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. I believe God will do great things in you and through in this time of transition and new journeys. I am glad your blog has crossed my path, I am in need of beautiful and hopeful things in my own path right now. (And, if you have no clue who this is, it is Kristin Cabaniss - random, I know).

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  4. I knew it was you, Kristen. I figured it out quickly. Much love to you and thank you for your beautiful words. I appreciate them so very much. It is really nice to reconnect.

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  5. your style of writing and message are quite rare and a gift to read... thanks for spending the time to record this amazing journey and the insights you have gained... No doubt you have hard won your current awareness... I am blessed and honored to have followed your courageous journey... I very much resonate with becoming nobody. I used different terms, but have found the same thing.. to jettison my ego, to become humble and open to truth, and then to hear it and follow it... ah so hard to do... Then to see most of humanity also as broken and struggling as I was..allows empathy and love to radiate from me... this is where both emotional and spiritual wholeness exist... your use of the word "truth" is also timely for me... that has been clanging in my head for months and recently, I began to experience Kundalini Yoga, where a core concept is , Sat Nam ( Truth is my Name, Truth is my Essence) .. love Pete

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