Today is January 9th, 2018. Four years
ago, today, my mother died. Three years
ago on this same day, I was at a silent yoga and meditation retreat in Hawaii
desperately searching for a way out of my grief and tension while at the same
time, trying to sell the house my husband and I were living in. Two years ago during this week, I finally
came to my truth that I had long ago suspected but pushed into the deep recesses of my mind, that I am a
lesbian and I could no longer deny it. I
came out to my husband during this time.
One year ago, we divorced and both started our difficult paths of
healing and rebuilding our lives. I am
more grateful than you can ever know, that today, my Dad, my ex-husband, my
son, and I will be joining together as a loving family of friends to celebrate
my mother with a few quiet moments and lunch at one of her favorite restaurants,
the El Fenix in downtown Dallas.
“Why am I writing this now?”, you
might ask. I “came out” to all the
people I felt I needed to at least two years ago. I am writing this now because of something
that happened to me the other day. My
Dad and I had gone to visit a dear friend who only has a short time to
live. He, his wife, my Dad, and I ended
our visit talking about the afterlife, and I found myself talking about my
feelings about life after death and spirituality. I had a visceral reaction to my thoughts and
felt terribly emotional at a deep level. I felt so strongly about this spiritual dialogue
even though I have no knowledge of theological issues at any real level. On the way home, I contemplated on a new
feeling I was having… the feeling that I am an empty vessel, a blank slate, so
to speak, and at the same time, everything feels perfect, exactly as it
is. When we are allowing truth, we are
moving in this world the way we should be moving. This was unlike any feeling I
have ever had, and I know that I have come to this place of spiritual awareness
by walking through a lot of pain, fear, and hard decisions. I realized I am in
a beautiful process that the wonderful Indian musician, Ravi Shankar, described
so beautifully, “The whole evolution of
man is from being somebody, to being nobody, and from being nobody, to being
everybody.”
I, and my family, have dealt with all of this
with a great amount of love and compassion.
I could not ask for a more loving family. Through these difficult years, however, I
knew that something huge was pulling me.
The pull to be my most authentic self was kicking and dragging me to do
what I had to do. Through it all, I have
learned to feel a sense of love and spirituality that I never in my wildest
dreams would think I was capable of feeling. I realize, in this new place of being a “nobody”,
a person starting completely over, that it is through authenticity and absolute
love where we can best be of use to this world that so desperately needs
us.
As I listened to
Oprah’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globe Awards Ceremony last night, it became very clear that all of
us need to be our best and truest selves if we are to help each other in these
difficult times. The truer and more
loving we are, the better chance we have of making a difference in this
world. We must love all of ourselves or
we really are not useful in the ways we are meant to be. When we follow the path to absolute
authenticity, we are who we are. We
really don’t have a choice anymore, so the whole idea of intolerance and hatred
becomes ludicrous. We simply are who we
are. I don’t recommend my journey to
anyone, but I am honored to be on it, nonetheless. I didn’t have a choice in this journey,
either. It was simply time. It chose me.
As a woman during these times of global conflict, I feel it is time to
stand up, love who I am, and just do the best job I can to love and help this
beautiful planet be a better place. Now
that I am a “nobody”, I am ready to rebuild my life to embrace everybody.
Completely and utterly beautiful. So well said. You understand that everyone and everything is connected and that there are no mistakes. You live by the truth that every experience has gifts of consciousness and you seek those gifts for expansion of your consciousness . . . this is the Cause and Effect Results of Ascension to a new dimension and Exiting the Matrix . . . there are so many other experiences of what you can expect . . . post exiting the matrix. I will share in an email post to you... much love on your journey.
ReplyDeleteHow beautiful, Rebecca. I can't wait to sit down for a long conversation f2f.
ReplyDeleteSimply beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Gina
DeleteSo, I have tried to comment twice and I'm not sure if I am completely technologically inept or if perhaps there was something wrong with my comment. I came across your blog when Ann Hill shared it on facebook. Being an insecure and incredibly nerdy child, I have always looked up to you and I am a big fan of your family, especially your mom. I love your raw vulnerability and the beautiful way you paint life with words. I do believe your mom had a gifts in helping people to fly - I read your entry about butterflies and it reminded me of a magnet I have at home that reads - Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. I believe God will do great things in you and through in this time of transition and new journeys. I am glad your blog has crossed my path, I am in need of beautiful and hopeful things in my own path right now. (And, if you have no clue who this is, it is Kristin Cabaniss - random, I know).
ReplyDeleteI knew it was you, Kristen. I figured it out quickly. Much love to you and thank you for your beautiful words. I appreciate them so very much. It is really nice to reconnect.
ReplyDeleteyour style of writing and message are quite rare and a gift to read... thanks for spending the time to record this amazing journey and the insights you have gained... No doubt you have hard won your current awareness... I am blessed and honored to have followed your courageous journey... I very much resonate with becoming nobody. I used different terms, but have found the same thing.. to jettison my ego, to become humble and open to truth, and then to hear it and follow it... ah so hard to do... Then to see most of humanity also as broken and struggling as I was..allows empathy and love to radiate from me... this is where both emotional and spiritual wholeness exist... your use of the word "truth" is also timely for me... that has been clanging in my head for months and recently, I began to experience Kundalini Yoga, where a core concept is , Sat Nam ( Truth is my Name, Truth is my Essence) .. love Pete
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