The Ceremony of Life

I’m a little late to the party, bur obviously my inner ancestral time keeper is not. I just realized today that we have reached the summer solstice of 2020, the “Ring of Fire” solar eclipse and  Father’s Day.

I said that about my ancestral timekeeper because I woke up this morning to a pretty big “aha moment”,  and despite not being aware of the solar events,  these moments have continued bursting through all day.  Something is birthing, or maybe I should say, re-birthing.  I feel new ideas coming down the pipeline, recent revelations are gelling, and at the same time, this all feels very old, ancient even.

 I have felt stuck in a passage without a key for about a year and a half.  There were several months during which I had a recurring vision of a door that was unlocked but could not be opened.  I had some glimmers of hope and light through the keyhole, but right about that time, the corona virus appeared.  I would imagine that the whole world has felt this way to some extent during this time; closed doors, health and financial uncertainty, fear of how things are being handled, etc…  At the same time, we have had to sit with ourselves, peer into our fears, and contemplate our illusions of certainty.  We have had to decide to stand up for what is humanitarian (or not), we have been forced to say, “NO MORE”, and we have had to slow way down in every way. 

Two Shamans Drumming for Health

Social Distance Hiking

Not So Social Distance Hiking With Jude

Queer Pandemic Cowboy (Ben Allen)

This idea of fear has been a constant subject in my Nightwalker’s Journey posts.  I have been trying to conquer fear for about 5 years now, but I had an eye opening conversation with my Dad today who helped me a great deal with some things.   He said that we never conquer fear.  Fear will always be with us because we are human.   If, however, we can recognize fear, allow it and look it in the face, we can learn to embrace it with compassion and tenderness as we would a small, vulnerable child.  If we can just love that fearful side of us enough, we can walk as a companion, side by side, through the passages of life with key in hand.  We only need a little bit more love than fear in order to set the static state of anxiety into loving action.

I am seeing  my patterns  more clearly these last few weeks, and I see  that when I am able to comfort my fears and love myself in spite of them, I find meaning in the day to day doings of life.  When I don’t do this, I find myself running away from anything and everything in hopes of “finding” myself.  In understanding this, I find huge relief.  It is this kind of living that I want to commit to; recognize that waking up to the larger cosmos of life means I have to love myself through my fear.   I have no illusion that this is easy, nor is it immediate.   But it is absolutely imperative if I want to live a fulfilling and rich life each and every day.  In doing this work, we help to light up those around us, and we bring energy to the room.  Through our passions and our love, we can create a little magic that can not only transform our lives, but inspire those around us to transform their unlived lives into  days  filled with meaning, creativity, and joy.  This doesn’t mean that we will be happy all the time.  It simply means we peer into the looking glass of our hearts and minds to see each moment of the day as an opportunity to experience the ceremony of life.  We can break through our mindless schedules and see both routine activities and serendipitous happenings as little miracles one by one.  We start living the way our souls need to live, not how everyone around us needs us to live. 

I recently heard a podcast with Tami Simon (founder of Sounds True) and James Hollis (author and Jungian psychologist).  Hollis said, “Home IS the journey”.  It is in the passages where we feel tight and uncomfortable and we must search for the key so we can continue on our way.  And if we do it right, we will keep on with this journey until we can journey no more. 

I want to move into making life a daily ceremony of creative living and sacred being.  I have a long way to go, but I am not starting from the beginning.  I turn fifty-eight next week, and I have been working on this for as long as I have been alive.  I just sometimes couldn’t find the key to open the next door, but now I see this as a mystery, a curiosity, and as a sacred puzzle.  Being stuck means it is time to grow.  This discomfort motivates us to love ourselves enough to go into action.  This also has been a theme in my blog posts, and it is usually then that I feel compelled to write. 

I have written many times about how I feel that my passions will help me to one day serve others.  Today that vision became a bit clearer, and with that, I feel excitement, and therefore, more meaning.  On days that I choose fear over love, meaning gets buried deep within me.  Nothing seems clear and nothing seems meaningful.  When I follow love instead of fear, my spirit and passions are allowed to blossom, and when these are gifted energy, even the simplest routines of my day can be sacred. 

I am not naïve here folks.  This is some of the hardest work we can do.  But I want life to be a ceremony, and I feel in my core that it can be.   I don’t know how long we will be under the thumb of this virus or the thumb of political unrest.  but even when that ends, it will be something else.  There is always something else whether it be personal or in the larger community.  There is a way that I, you, and us can look deep into this mysterious life and pull from it the most gorgeous bouquet of magic.  That is now my journey. 

Tree Spirit Mask (Chez Moi)

Tree Spirit Mask (Chez Jude)

Full Moon Rising

Tree Spirit

This truly is my last blog post on Nightwalker’s Journey.  I will be starting a new blog for this next phase called One Sacred Star.  It has not been created yet, but I will be creating it this summer.  I feel very confident  that the “aha moments” I’ve had today, during this auspicious weekend, will be taking me on some wonderful new paths.  I know many of you are on similar paths, so we will crisscross at times, and we will walk arm in arm at times. 

So now, I turn the key

 and open the door

 to peer into the ceremony of living.

                Namaste

3rd Anniversary

 It's so strange to be writing this post in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic and all the complications surrounding it.  The situation we are in now is probably one of the greatest and most difficult lessons we will ever be given in our lives.  It is as if all the lessons I have had in the last several years have led up to this.  As extraordinary as this global situation is, I am not at all surprised that it is happening.  If there is one thing that I have learned since I was turned upside down and shaken into this new life, it is that death and uncertainty are two dependable friends.  These are two friends that most of us try to avoid at all costs.  But if we were to be truthful, we all know that they are constant companions. We have a choice. We either hide them in the closet for a later day or we bring them out to party.  Well, we are in a paaaaartay now, so we might as well get up-close-and-personal with these two friends because they are not going away.  And here's the real secret...they were ALWAYS here, kindly waiting for us to acknowledge them.
     So, here I am...It's three years later after leaving McKinney, Texas on April 3, 2017 in my camper, Night Walker.  I traveled the southwest in those first few months, studied a bit of drums in Bali, lived six months in my camper in the mountains east of Albuquerque, lived in downtown Albuquerque in a casita apartment with Jude, drove back and forth to Texas every month to finish teaching my high school senior piano students, camped out a bit more around the Albuquerque/Santa Fe area, helped Jude out in her year and a half stint with aggressive cancer treatments, bought land in far western New Mexico, and lived in my camper for a year on my builder's land while he and I built my house.  This past year, my Dad finally retired and moved to N.M. as well last June.  We  finished up my house and eventually were able to move in.  We still have work to do but there is not a huge rush at this point.  Jude survived her cancer, not without some complications, but we are so grateful she is alive and well now.  She and I are very much together and enjoy communicating several times daily.  I can say that this pandemic is certainly putting a damper on our regular visits together, but we are taking it in stride like everyone else.  And best of all, all these challenges over the last few years have brought us even closer together.

Outdoor Christmas Tree

On the Land

Dad's Butterfly Tree

Home at Sunrise

     It has and still is taking great patience to allow the Universe to rebuild my life after these last several years since my mother died.  I could never in my wildest dreams have thought that a single incident, like her death six years ago, would commence such a trajectory.  My visions of my life's purpose have been becoming stronger in the last year, and seem to be growing even more so as we experience this recent crisis.  I have gotten glimpses, all along the way,of leading a life that involves spirit and healing, and I have suspected that this would become very important in whatever unfolds.
     Lately, I have been made so aware of the absence of ceremony, ritual, and healing in the transitions of our lives.  Isn't it extraordinary that in the process of becoming "civilized", our ancestors almost obliterated the rites and passages that help humans transition during our most important and difficult times.  This leaves us with a feeling of loneliness and confusion in terms of how to move forward in each new phase.  We certainly have nods to these past rites but they usually are a shallow representation of what they used to be, and some just no longer exist. I have either observed or have been a participant in so many experiences that needed true tenderness.  I see how uncomfortable I have felt in these transitions with myself and with others.  Maybe it is because of this discomfort that I find myself leaning into them now.  They still make me a little uncomfortable, but I notice that I am becoming more resilient in the face of them, and I recognize even more so, the need for ceremony, compassion, caring words, prayers, and so much more during these times.  It is in times such as coming of age when we need to understand what is happening to our bodies and minds and what it really means to grow up.  It is in the months after giving birth that we need connection and a feeling that we are still an autonomous person and learn about self care. It is in our middle ages when many  are waking up to bigger realizations about life and need to feel grounded simply in order to grow and let go.  It is in illness when we need people to understand our needs and how to simply be there in a quiet way.  It is in aging when we need people to lean into us and not expect more than we can give and accept our bodies as they change into older skin.  It is in death when we need to be held and comforted and have a loved one simply "be" with us.  It is in all these times when we need to create ceremony, to pray, and to have gratitude and acceptance.  It is in these times that we must walk alone but not be lonely simply because others feel too uncomfortable with our otherness.  This is a path that I feel drawn to.

Medicine Mask: "Dancing Away the Mask of Shame"

"Rising Up From the Green"

Jude Collecting for Thanksgiving Totem

Preparing to decorate the Christmas Tree

Shamans Drumming for Health (Pandemic)

Ceremony for Tree Spirit Mask #1

Tree Spirit Mask in Jude's Cedar

     Today on my walk, I had some strong words with my Creator. I am overloaded with virtual connecting, so I went needing to feel the wind on my skin and hear the birds in my ears.  I needed to be able to listen to spirit again.  I walked and I talked out loud.  Most of you would have thought me to be some insane mountain woman. You know, people all over the world are praying for peace, for the pandemic to be cured, for more masks, for sanity in the world, and whatever else we most certainly need.  But, despite all those needs and cares, I experienced the most beautiful answer today.  We have an opportunity to change our lives so completely.  It really doesn't matter what we do;  it matters that we do it with an open heart and for the greater good of all beings.  So what I am realizing is that when I play music, or paint,  lead a meditation, or do a ceremony in the forest, I walk into this experience as a spiritual being dropping all ego.  Through this way of walking in the world, we heal, we touch, we help, and we grow.  This doesn't have to stop with our special talents or gifts.  It can include everything we do from the time we wake up to the time we fall asleep.  But mostly, I ask each and everyone of us that we all pay attention to our needs and the needs of those around us.  We are headed into a mountain of difficult transitions.  Perhaps if we all recognize the need for more ceremony and tenderness during these times, we might all find our deeper purpose.  Let us all lean into these uncomfortable moments as opposed to turning away.  Let us make the little things that we offer ourselves and all beings a gift from our hearts for the greater good of all.  Let us lean into these uncomfortable times and give them true meaning and acceptance.

Buddha in the Mist

Early Morning Coffee

Three Elk on the Land