It is nine in the
evening and I am typing this with a minimum of light from battery powered
lanterns. I am back in my camper on the
land. At this point, the well water is
not flowing, we have no electricity nor heater, and no shower. But, life is good.
The last two
months have not been easy, and we all know that life with cancer does not go
away quickly. Unfortunately, things were
made more difficult by the fact that some of Jude’s already existing
medications, mixed with chemo, made her heart rate plummet, so her energy level
has been pretty non-existent since she started chemo in July. A perfect storm finally displayed itself when
we were trying to fly to Texas. She
passed out on the plane just before we left and had to be ambulanced to the
hospital only to be tested and watched for the next four days. We were both worried about her and about how
the outcome of these tests might change our plans of our “lemons to lemonade”
adventures or, at least, change how we dealt with everything from here on
out. There was a lot of waiting for doctors
and nurses and experiencing fatigue due to stress, but at the same time, we
kept saying, “what is…is”.
The day after she
was allowed to return home to recuperate, my Dad and his friend, Dave, drove
all the way out to Albuquerque and then to my land, to build an outhouse with
me. The three of us made a nearby cabin
our home for three nights, and we worked the better part of three days to build
the most amazing outhouse near my camper.
I will eventually paint it, and my builder is going to build a door for
it since we did not have time to complete the project in full, but Jude and I
have already been truly enjoying this building with its lovely view, open air
feel, and clean smell of new wood. The
same time that we were building the outhouse, my builder and another local
gentleman started preparing the foundation by grating the footprint for my new
house. That was very exciting!
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| Thank you...Dad and Dave Job |
After a quick
trip to Texas to visit some friends and rest for a weekend, we immediately came
home only to continue packing and moving stuff to storage. We finally moved out of our Albuquerque apartment
on the 31st. It was a
horrible day of car problems, rude people, stressful emotions, and more carting
of stuff. But, like all of us
experience, a new day is always around the horizon, and there are new things to
learn and experience.
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| Move Out Day |
So, with all that
being said, where am I in all of this cancer stuff, moving, house building,
etc… I am tired but I am good. With the tremendous amount of fatigue Jude
felt due to chemo and extremely low heart rate, I had to pick up the pace a bit
in order to get everything done. When
one is in this position, it is hard to keep track of which emotions are real at
a given moment, and sometimes there are too many emotions happening at one
time. I felt sadness, frustration, a bit
of resignation, love, compassion, longing, loneliness, and contentment. Many of these would happen consecutively, but
more often, there would be several at the same time. My body started hurting more and more, and I
started getting more and more fatigued to the point that I could not get up and
do my morning devotions and meditation, and my walks became shorter and
slower. How often this happens to the
person who is the caregiver. People will
often say, “Remember to take care of yourself”, but let me tell you, it isn’t
easy because I was really trying.
However, I see that it is absolutely essential. I just haven’t quite figured
it out at a personal level, yet. I
think, however, that the real answer is that you keep doing what you need to do
for both the person you are helping and for yourself. Never stop caring for yourself even if it
feels as if it isn’t helping or you feel you are getting off center. This is when it is the most important time to
pay attention to your mind and body, but usually this is when we ignore
both. I realized this morning that one
has to practice mindful living like one practices music…with intention, with a
plan, with compassion and understanding that we will make mistakes and
forget. The most important thing is to
never just give up.
Fortunately, Jude’s energy is getting back to
a normal chemo experience level, for which we are so grateful. The last few days have been so different in
terms of her energy level, but we both need to be prepared for anything. We are fortunate to have this respite and we
plan to go ahead with our plan which is to embrace this cancer. I’ll live in my camper around the Santa
Fe/Albuquerque area in order to be closer to her treatments in Albuquerque, but
I will be available to take materials out to my builder from time to time. She will get a small place to rest and
recuperate from treatments, and we can both enjoy what nature can offer in the
way of healing. It will be a time to
continue learning new things for future endeavors, take care of our bodies and
spirit, and live a simpler life without a lot of worries wearing us down. We are aware that we need to be flexible
which takes a lot of the fear out of it.
In other words, take one day at a time and be ready to change our plans
at a moment’s notice. We have already
had plenty of experience with this, so we are prepared. Changing plans seems to be the way life just
is; at least for us, anyway. Maybe you
are immune…Ok…maybe not!
I must add a
huge thank you to some beautiful people who really helped us with open arms and
compassionate hearts during this transitional time. I want to thank Dad, Woody, Gary, and Jed for
moving all of my furniture and belongings to a new storage place when I could
not arrive on the plane that day. I want
to thank Dave and Dad for driving all the way to NM and providing all the
supplies and planning and building the outhouse. I want to thank Kim for buying
a wonderful dinner for of us after Jude got out of the hospital even though Kim
was at home in Texas with two broken feet and a broken back. I want to thank Betsy for walking Teddy for
me while I was out at the land, and I want to thank Marty, Siva, Chloe, Zane,
and Liz for helping us with the move.
People who are willing to happily help others in times of need are
gems. This was true compassion.
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| View From the Outhouse |
