Today is January 9th, 2018. Four years
ago, today, my mother died. Three years
ago on this same day, I was at a silent yoga and meditation retreat in Hawaii
desperately searching for a way out of my grief and tension while at the same
time, trying to sell the house my husband and I were living in. Two years ago during this week, I finally
came to my truth that I had long ago suspected but pushed into the deep recesses of my mind, that I am a
lesbian and I could no longer deny it. I
came out to my husband during this time.
One year ago, we divorced and both started our difficult paths of
healing and rebuilding our lives. I am
more grateful than you can ever know, that today, my Dad, my ex-husband, my
son, and I will be joining together as a loving family of friends to celebrate
my mother with a few quiet moments and lunch at one of her favorite restaurants,
the El Fenix in downtown Dallas.
“Why am I writing this now?”, you
might ask. I “came out” to all the
people I felt I needed to at least two years ago. I am writing this now because of something
that happened to me the other day. My
Dad and I had gone to visit a dear friend who only has a short time to
live. He, his wife, my Dad, and I ended
our visit talking about the afterlife, and I found myself talking about my
feelings about life after death and spirituality. I had a visceral reaction to my thoughts and
felt terribly emotional at a deep level. I felt so strongly about this spiritual dialogue
even though I have no knowledge of theological issues at any real level. On the way home, I contemplated on a new
feeling I was having… the feeling that I am an empty vessel, a blank slate, so
to speak, and at the same time, everything feels perfect, exactly as it
is. When we are allowing truth, we are
moving in this world the way we should be moving. This was unlike any feeling I
have ever had, and I know that I have come to this place of spiritual awareness
by walking through a lot of pain, fear, and hard decisions. I realized I am in
a beautiful process that the wonderful Indian musician, Ravi Shankar, described
so beautifully, “The whole evolution of
man is from being somebody, to being nobody, and from being nobody, to being
everybody.”
I, and my family, have dealt with all of this
with a great amount of love and compassion.
I could not ask for a more loving family. Through these difficult years, however, I
knew that something huge was pulling me.
The pull to be my most authentic self was kicking and dragging me to do
what I had to do. Through it all, I have
learned to feel a sense of love and spirituality that I never in my wildest
dreams would think I was capable of feeling. I realize, in this new place of being a “nobody”,
a person starting completely over, that it is through authenticity and absolute
love where we can best be of use to this world that so desperately needs
us.
As I listened to
Oprah’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globe Awards Ceremony last night, it became very clear that all of
us need to be our best and truest selves if we are to help each other in these
difficult times. The truer and more
loving we are, the better chance we have of making a difference in this
world. We must love all of ourselves or
we really are not useful in the ways we are meant to be. When we follow the path to absolute
authenticity, we are who we are. We
really don’t have a choice anymore, so the whole idea of intolerance and hatred
becomes ludicrous. We simply are who we
are. I don’t recommend my journey to
anyone, but I am honored to be on it, nonetheless. I didn’t have a choice in this journey,
either. It was simply time. It chose me.
As a woman during these times of global conflict, I feel it is time to
stand up, love who I am, and just do the best job I can to love and help this
beautiful planet be a better place. Now
that I am a “nobody”, I am ready to rebuild my life to embrace everybody.
