Reflection on The Elements- (returning from retreat)

   

 I just returned from a Monastic Buddhist Retreat at the Vallecitos Ranch in The northern mountains of New Mexico.  I wanted to share some reflections...

 
     He appeared to me in Silence.
     He was brown, tall, and lean
     "Take a walk...slowly," he said.
     Touch the trees and feel the ground.
     Speak to the rocks...

     BE with the earth.

     I took a walk...slowly.
     I touched the trees...
     The invisible energy connected us.
     I leaned my forehead on an aspen and wept.
   
     I leaned lovingly on a tree and looked up.
     A deer looked calmly on as I made the connection.
     She did not move from her lying position in her bed of pine needles.
     I walked quietly around her, and she did not stir.

     I continued my climb.
     I spoke to the rocks and recognized their unseen beauty.
     Quiet stillness...or maybe not.

     At the top of the hill, I greeted a pine that awed me with its size.
     I touched it and felt nothing.
     I spoke aloud, "You are so old, majestic, and perhaps a little sick."
     Immediately, a low moaning energy connected with mine.
     We were immediately friends.

     I leaned my back against this new friend and visited for awhile.
     I knew, at this moment, that I would never be alone.
     I would always have friends like these.
   
     As I left the mountains on the last day of my stay,
     I took one last walk up the hill to say goodbye to my new friend.
     Muditā

   
     He came again, the next day...in Silence.
     Go to the water, and listen.
     Just Listen.

      I followed the path Up River.
      I thought I knew my destination...a hidden meadow.
      But that was not meant to be.

     I crossed the river several times.
     Then I sat down
     on a large gray boulder
     in the river. 

     I listened.
     I watched the white water splash my feet.
     I had arrived at my destination.

     I remembered another vision of his mother who bathed me
     In White Water.

     I reached down and splashed a little White Water on my head.
     Then on my shoulders....arms....chest...legs...
     and face.

     All is...

   
   

Just After Bathing Myself

     It is 5:50 A.M.

     I have ten minutes before I close my eyes to "Be."
     Everything is quiet...except:

     the flip of a fishes tail,
     the webbed-footed geese gliding across the water,
     the granite whispering, "Good Morning,"
     the flies buzzing around me delighting in my salty taste,
     the vapors of early morning light and air floating through the sky.

     One more minute...

     I close my eyes...

 Then there is space.

   
   

Lemons to Lemonade

At the Albuquerque "Families Belong Together" Rally

          Do you remember your childhood lemonade stand?  I do.  My best friend, Thea, and I had one at the base of my backyard in Oak Cliff.  I was so excited about it!  We had to make it from real lemons back then, ya know.  We squeezed the lemons and added water and sugar...you know the deal.  I made some lemon sorbet recently and it had the very same ingredients.  I squeezed about twenty-five lemons to make 3 cups of lemon juice.  The juice was so pretty, and I had not had a sip of real lemon juice in such a long time, so I tried a small sip sans sugar.  My mouth reacted exactly the same as it did back when Thea and I made it.  It puckered up and made my face react in aversion.
     Sometimes, life throws us lemons.  We are humans, after all, and that's kind of the deal at times.  On my birthday, two weeks ago, Jude and I found out that she has cancer in her breast and lymph nodes. She has given me permission to disclose this, by the way, and I am so very grateful.  So, what did we do on my birthday a few hours later?  We went on with our original plan and went out to hear some live music and drank lemonade (of all things!).  We had about five days between my birthday and the next crucial appointment with the head oncologist. During this time, we certainly
went in and out of all kinds of thoughts and emotions.  She has had doctors appointments and scans every day this week and will start 6 months of chemo on Thursday.  Eventually she will have surgery and then 30 days of radiation. 
     Why am I writing this and not Jude?  Why am I even writing this at all?  Most people keep this sort of thing under wraps because it seems personal or because they want to protect their family and friends, or they don't want to appear like a victim, or many other reasons.  Well, she is going to be bald pretty soon, so keeping it a secret is impossible.  We also thought it might be helpful if I write about it because the person supporting the cancer patient is often in a difficult position and usually winds up almost as exhausted, both physically and emotionally, as the person they are trying to support.  We thought this might be a good opportunity to share it from this side of the experience.  Maybe it will help someone down the road who is in a supportive role. 
     We are both so grateful for our individual  experiences with meditation and prayer.  It has allowed us to flow  more easily than we would have otherwise.  We have learned so much from our own readings about understanding suffering and are also so grateful for the dharma talks at our Albuquerque Insight Meditation Center. These have helped us to realize that having an attitude of rejection or aversion toward all of this is simply not going to help either one of us.  It would be like taking a sip of lemon juice, hating it, reacting badly, and then drinking some more.  It just doesn't make sense.  You have to dilute it and add some sugar to make it tasty.  I was out at the land this weekend, and I was discussing some real concerns about this and other somewhat big issues with my Dad.  He agreed with me on how we are dealing with all of this, but he put it in a wonderful way. (Forgive me, Dad, for paraphrasing!)  He said, "We don't have a clue WHY this stuff happens.  That's not the right question.  The better question is HOW are you going to be in this situation, and WHAT are you going to do about it?"
     So, how do you make a situation like this "tasty"?  Well, we have decided to make it a time of growth, both emotional and spiritual.  We have decided to each take care of ourselves first, so that we can care for each other with more compassion.  And we truly have to take each day, and even hour, as it comes, with no expectations.  I know that many of the things that I am allowing to blossom in my personal life are gifts that will help comfort Jude and eventually others down the road.  Can I fix the cancer?  No, but I can make life pleasant, interesting, peaceful, and healing in other ways.  We are not going to just sit around and look at four walls for the next ten months or so.  We are going to look at this as an opportunity to face things head on, and live a rich life.  I am going to develop my healing and artistic gifts and help Jude the best I can, but I know that I must keep my heart open and my body fit in order to do this. 

Rally in Albuquerque

Mulberries We picked for Lemon Sorbet

Mulberry Fingers

     I leave tomorrow to go up to the mountains northwest of Taos for a six day meditation retreat.  We both have decided this is best for me to go on with this plan  because this cancer treatment is going to be a long "journey", and this time in meditation will provide me the opportunity to center myself, deepen my spirituality, and  open myself in nature for a bit.  How will this help Jude?  I know from experience that when my body is refreshed, my mind is challenged, and my heart is open, I can be a fountain of help, love, and support.  Without these, I am not good for anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  This will also provide her with the chance to depend on new friends for comfort and aid.  People really want to help.  We are in a time right now when people are desperate to  help others but feel helpless to know how to do this.  Well, here is an opportunity, and we want to allow that to happen. 
      Also, this week,  I gave the "thumbs up" for my builder to start building a little house on "the land" out in western New Mexico.  But, that won't be finished until the winter.  So, needless to say, life is interesting! 
      Well, I think it is about time to put out the "OPEN" sign on the lemonade stand.  Let's add some water and sugar and see what happens.

Finding a few minutes of peace by the Rio Grande In Pilar

Listening to Water- A healing Moment

A morning walk

Waiting for the Doctor

P.S.  All these photos were taken during the time we were waiting to find out the details of her cancer.  Life doesn't have to stop when it tastes like lemons.

How To Love a Salt Shaker

     I returned from moving my camper out to the land yesterday.  It was a really important weekend…powerful, actually.  On the way out there and a couple of times while there, I found myself on the verge of being taken over by that familiar friend, fear.  I had fear of having spent a good chunk of my money, of wondering how I can develop my ideas and skills in order to make my own way there, of the incredible dryness due to the drought, becoming adept at country living after a lifetime of city dwelling, but mostly, I had a fear of having jumped into the abyss of the unknown. 

      I was happy that Jude joined me on this camper move because we ended up reading chapters and stories out of the book by Thich Nhat Hanh, “The Miracle of Mindfulness”,   and having some very good insights and conversations.  It hit home at every level, and although I had read a good bit of his work before, and intellectually understood it, something big clicked this weekend.  Why do we have so much needless fear, and why do we hold ourselves back because of  this fear?  I’m not talking about the fear I might have if I was being chased by a mountain lion (We think we heard one, BTW!).  I am talking about the fear that I create about things that haven’t even happened.  We all do it…don’t kid yourself!

     These readings made me realize that sitting on a pillow and meditating is only the first step (you might equate this to sitting quietly in a park to contemplate) to letting go of fear and experiencing all of life.  No matter how much I practice meditating, if I don’t move true presence into my life in every way, then I will never fully appreciate the life that I am living now.  We are individual humans who are on this earth to live for the greatest good of everything and everyone around us. That can only be done if we are completely present in order to love people and all of creation exactly as they are right now.  Unfortunately, however, we spend so much of our brain power attached to the future, attached to our things and getting more of them, and attached to how we think things should be.  I don’t think we are here to own ideas, places, people, or things.  Ownership and attachment only bog us down.

      I am writing this at a corner coffee shop and looking at a salt shaker. What if we allowed ourselves to look at a salt shaker and love it simply because it is there to enhance the flavor of my food.  I don’t need to put it in my pocket and take it home.  I can just appreciate it being there to better my taste experience.  I take only what I need, thank the earth and the miners for the salt, and then leave it for the next patron.  I certainly don’t worry about the future of that salt shaker not do I contemplate its past experiences.  I just enjoy its gifts. 

     With that being said, I have not been able to call this new purchase, “my land.” I keep calling it, “the land”.   I have felt this way from the beginning.  It isn’t mine.  I paid money, yes, but it is the earth, and although I have put a gate up because I realize that not everyone has this philosophy, I simply can’t call it “my land.”  I feel that I am here for a short time and hope to be able to care for it and use it for good things.  It will be there long after I leave, so I am grateful for the opportunity to get to stay on it.

Better Than Television Anyday

Creating Ceremony for The Land

     Every day on videos and TV, I see politicians and people in leadership roles saying derogatory statements about people of color, about gays, about migrants, and almost everybody else who seem “different”.  People are only doing this because of absolute fear…stories they have made up and probably heard for generations.  We are free in our spirit just like the dirt, water and wildlife.  We are all interconnected no matter what color, background or blood type we have.   We can be free from all mental fear if we just stay completely present on what is happening at this very moment and stop letting our minds run away with stories.  All we have to do is find appreciation, love, and respect for whomever and whatever is right in front of us.  This idea of complete presence is so new for me because our culture is conditioned to control our situations, own stuff, look better than the next, build bigger, etc…  Can you just imagine where this world would be if no one felt that their agenda was better than the next person’s agenda…or if we could all look at each other with appreciation simply because we exist?  Now that would be a miracle!

     While out at the land, I lay in the back of my pick up and looked at the vast dark sky literally filled with billions of stars.  It was beyond awesome.  It made everything make sense.  We are all important whether we are a human, a rock, a tree, or a grain of sand. We are ALL worthy of being here, being loved, and protected.  We are only small cogs in a massive and beautiful universe who are here for only a moment.  We make the mistake of centering the universe around ourselves, and we become fear stricken if our personal solar system doesn’t move the way we want it to. We become panicked if we don’t know what will happen next.   How much more beautiful it is to simply surrender to the universe at large, say “yes” to the opportunity to be on this ride, and pay attention to every moment.  If we are scared about what we might not get, we will miss what we have.  There is no room for doubt once you’ve jumped.   I think it is time for me to trust in the bigger process of the Universe…with a capital “U”.

Teddy (feeling proud) shows off the first bathroom on The Land

Nearby Labrynth... A Perfect Walk for Contemplation

Zuni Bread Ovens

Rebulding and Saying Yes!

      A couple of months ago, I wrote that I thought the last blog entry might be my last.  We often think that all the drama of change is the real story, but it is truly only part of the story.  What do you do after the awareness, the change, and eventually, the surrender to “what is”?  You have to start rebuilding, and that is not an easy task when you have lived pretty much one way all of your life with one way of perceiving the world! 

      I am living with my friend, Jude, in a small casita apartment in Downtown Albuquerque, and really doing quite well.  I have still not been able to buy the land in Western New Mexico, due to some glitches, but luckily, the last couple of years have taught me a huge amount about patience, and it will soon work out.  My work now, is practicing the gifts I have been given and going even deeper in my spirituality.  I realized this morning  when I woke up, that I have to admit that I am a beginner at everything, and the only way to continue on this path is to say exactly that each and every day. The minute I think I am on to something, my ego swoops in to take over, and it feels terrible.  Everything hurts, inside and out.  I am never sure how I will be feeling when I wake up, so it is constant work.  Truly "changing your mind" is a monumental task.

     What is this “path” I am speaking about?  It is a path of total surrender to following my truth and the life and experiences that flow in the direction of that truth.  I sometimes feel completely alone, but I know I am not.  I have a “knowing” that guides me, and I continue to meet more and more people on this path as I travel forward.

House On Fire burns
Spirits hide among boulders
Remember our souls

      Jude and I went to Utah last week to celebrate her birthday and to see what is really happening in Bear’s Ears Monument.  We made no plans for the four day trip, and with each turn and each decision, the trip ended up being exactly right.  We took directions according to the weather, inspiration, a whim, and advice from people along the way who seemed sincere.  We sat in meditation and prayer, played drums, smudged and burned incense, took some amazing drives, and hiked a bit.  As I sat in these glorious landscapes taking it all in, I found myself wishing that every person had the opportunity to see these gorgeous valleys, mountains, and canyons.  Our country might not be so quick to shrug off threats and acts of diminishing these lands if we were all to experience them in a personal way. 

San Juan is flowing
Internal and external
Tingling solitude

     It is in nature that I feel truth.  I wonder about this a lot. In nature, things happen in there own time;  in nature, there is no greed;  in nature, I see art and beauty without ego;  in nature, I feel my heart and I sit in the heart of the universe.  I feel that humans of all walks of life, whether it be a different color, religion (or non-religion), sexual preference, socio-economic
status, or whatever difference there might be, deserve to all sit in this honesty and truth and all sit in the same room. 

     We are a young country, and we have, for the most part, had enough checks and balances and respectable people running this incredible country in the past, that we have all been kind of like kids….assuming that “Mom and Dad” will take care of things.  I may offend some people by saying what I am about to say, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I would also like to say that I adore America!  My travels have made me more patriotic than you can imagine.  I think, however, at this point, with all the frightening things we are seeing in our world leadership, we are being given the opportunity to dig down deep and really see what truly makes this planet incredible, not just America but our planet, and shake off the fears we are being fed. We have to start running this planet the way it was meant to be run...from a place of love and caring. We cannot wait for the higher-ups to do this.  It is not only time for grass roots initiatives, it is time for an all-inclusive collective action.  We can each look at the gifts we know we have deep down inside of us.  Sometimes these gifts have been hidden for a long time and it may take a good deal of introspection, prayer, and solitude to listen and remember them, but we all have them.  Then we must each, and I mean all of us, look at how to use these gifts in a way that will bring more love to the universe.  Our gifts might be to smile at the homeless with respect, or think before you yell at your children, or pause throughout the day and send prayers and positive thoughts out into the world, or listen to an elderly person tell about their life. They might be to bring laughter to the world or a sense of peace to your co-workers.   Only you know this answer.  Whatever your gift, we have all been given the power to help, heal, and make this world a better place.

      All I can do is share my gifts in small ways to help the people around me.  That's all any of us can do, but that is a lot if we all do it on a daily basis.  Personally, I want a quiet, artistic life in nature, and I hope to have the chance of teaching in some capacity and helping people through my work.  I want to make enough money to cover my basic needs and see my family.  I desperately don’t want to turn my art and my drum groups into a product.  My intention is to create small art pieces, prayer sticks, and spiritual figurines out of clay and found objects,  and give them to people as gifts simply to say, "I love you and am thinking of you".  When Jude and I were in Utah, we went to a secluded spot and I took some of my clay figures and we smudged them, blessed them, and laid them by the bonfire for a symbolic cleansing.  I am going to make something out of them and send them to some friends who need a little extra care at this time.  Jude is taking nature photographs as well as making smudge sticks from various sage-like plants in these areas, and will be doing the same thing.  Although we are making these for ourselves and personal friends as gifts , we would love to make these things for other people out there who would like to bring a sense of prayer and peace into their home or the home of someone who might need a token of love and care.  In Buddhism, there is a long history of gifting which is called “dana” in Pali. A teacher will gift a spiritual lesson, and in return, the recipient offers what they can in the form of money, food, volunteer work, etc…as a thank you. It's the same as an offering in the Christian tradition.  I will do this with my group drumming and meditation teachings in the future as well.  My only hope is that if you ask for a gift for yourself  or for a loved one, that you will receive it, hold it,enjoy it, and think about the value it brings to you or to the person you are giving it to. If you are able, I ask for an offering as a thank you. Working with nature, clay, and found objects, I cannot guaranty what will be created...only that it will be created from inspiration.  If you want to know more or ask me questions, you may call, email or FB message me. I feel very strongly that art, music, nature, and spirituality is something that we all should have…like water and food. It should not be only for those who have money.  I am hoping that I can eventually subsist on dana.  It is a scary endeavor considering how important "price" and "getting the best deal" is in our culture.  However, I feel strongly about following this path. This is my way of saying “Yes”, I am going to do everything I can to use my gifts for love and service.  I am going to say “Yes!” to growing up and pulling my weight.  I am saying “Yes!” to realizing that our only job on this planet is to love each other.  I am so grateful to know so many other people on this path with me.  I thank all of you who are surrendering to their truth and for teaching me along the way.  What a gift you are. 

Long, windy road flows
Swift currents of green and red
Medicine wheel heals

Vastness of red rock
Billowing white clouds above
Raven breaks silence