I am sitting by the window of my bedroom. It has been raining for two hours; a much needed rain. I have been surprised at the dryness of this monsoon season and the strange habits that the animals are having. They, too, are in need of water. The coyotes are pacing and yipping way too near the house, the pinon jays are trying to get the little nuts out of the hard green unripe pine cones, and the hummingbirds are literally gorging on the sugar water we put out. It is as if they are watching our every move to see if we are coming with this ambrosia. And us human animals? We, my Dad and I, are just grateful to have a cooler temperature today and some moist air, as well as an excuse to hunker down and just "be" for a couple of hours after an incredibly difficult week of physical, mental, and emotional work.
We have brought back the final load from our storage unit in Texas. There are no more storage units! That in itself is a huge accomplishment. The number of new storage units I see built each time I go back tells me that perhaps the subject of letting go is a serious one. I won't go into that, however, since mine are finally empty. I simply don't want to think about that subject right now. I only have a few more boxes to unpack and then that will be done. In terms of the multiple bins of photographs my Dad and I brought back, they are covered in tarps and will be dealt with another day. That will be another letting go process.
I have been lying on my bed listening to the rain and feeling the urge to write. It's interesting that I feel this way because what I have also wanted to do is crawl in a cave like a bear and just be. Life just keeps moving forward, however, and much hard work still has to be done. Fall has not yet arrived, but it is around the corner. A shed has to be built, I must put snow blocks on the roof before it gets cold, and gravel has to be spread all around the house and driveway. I am weary in every way, but what is apparent to me is that this path is still going forward, with or without me, and I'll be damned if I quit now.
In this new spiral of life, I am needing to take care of myself, be quiet, feel my heart and body more deeply, and accept that life is truly a mixed up jumble of whatever is swirling around us. As our president is tweeting insanity, people are being shot just for going shopping. Individuals in leadership positions and entire industries refuse to take responsibility for their own bad behavior, and we are left to decide how to move in a way that will make a positive impact in the world around us. Today I found myself lost in a mixture of emotions that have been building throughout the week, and at one point, I was very angry about some work I had had done on my camper. The work was shoddy, and I yet again have to take my camper to a town an hour and a half away to have it repaired correctly. I stopped what I was doing due to my anger, and went directly to the phone. I took a few deep breaths and called the company who had worked on the camper. I had to confront the owner, but before I did, I realized that my demeanor at that moment had to be direct, calm, and kind. Luckily, I was successful. I still have to take the camper back, but it will be fixed at no extra charge. It was during this time that I realized that being solid in myself is the way to move in this world today. We must become more direct yet kind, have more face to face time and less indirect communication, and walk like a bear with a purpose.
This inner cave I want to be in is a place I want to rest, to feel, to grieve what needs to be grieved, to observe, to rejuvenate and then?... lumber slowly out of the cave and yawn, stand firm in who I am, and quietly walk through the forest of life taking the next step that the path asks me to take. No grumbling is needed because each step is simply the step that brings what it brings. I want to accept what is presented and respond the best I can. We must all keep in mind that love is the only thing being asked of us. If we know that we are trying to approach each moment as lovingly as we can for both ourselves and those around us, then we did our job that day.
I have known for awhile that my path is leading me to help heal nature and help people through meditation, nature, art and music. This hibernation time may well be a time to allow for next steps. I recently saw an article about the climate strike our world's youth will be holding on September 20th. They are anxious, as they should be, about the future of this planet and their own futures in it. We have let them down by knowing there was a problem and just hoping that someone else would fix it. And if you still don't think there is a problem, just good common sense must be telling you that recycling and cutting down on consumption is basically a good idea. My patience with this debate is completely over, so you will have to be patient with me if I refuse to debate it any more.
I am not in an area where I can formally strike, but I will do something. I might fast, or drum, post nature poetry to friends, or meditate on my land. I also might write my representatives on the 20th. I might do all of the above. I will certainly make it a day of prayer in gratitude for what the earth and our environment has given us and how it constantly and patiently tells us what it needs despite our neglect and aggressive destruction. Also during this time, I must retreat to my inner cave. I know that self-compassion and compassion for the world must go hand in hand. We can no longer escape what the universe is asking us to do. It is literally screaming for help. So, let's do what we absolutely must, for our own self care, stand firm in who we are, rest when we need, but say "yes, I'm ready to do what I can for this planet and for all the creatures on it." Let's get quieter, listen harder, and be ready for what comes. The bigger picture is huge, hard, and beautiful. Grumbling time is over. I'll be lumbering out of my cave in a few weeks or a few months...I;m not sure when. I have no deadline for this, but I hope to get a bear hug from some of you as you walk out of your caves as well.
