Reflection on The Elements- (returning from retreat)

   

 I just returned from a Monastic Buddhist Retreat at the Vallecitos Ranch in The northern mountains of New Mexico.  I wanted to share some reflections...

 
     He appeared to me in Silence.
     He was brown, tall, and lean
     "Take a walk...slowly," he said.
     Touch the trees and feel the ground.
     Speak to the rocks...

     BE with the earth.

     I took a walk...slowly.
     I touched the trees...
     The invisible energy connected us.
     I leaned my forehead on an aspen and wept.
   
     I leaned lovingly on a tree and looked up.
     A deer looked calmly on as I made the connection.
     She did not move from her lying position in her bed of pine needles.
     I walked quietly around her, and she did not stir.

     I continued my climb.
     I spoke to the rocks and recognized their unseen beauty.
     Quiet stillness...or maybe not.

     At the top of the hill, I greeted a pine that awed me with its size.
     I touched it and felt nothing.
     I spoke aloud, "You are so old, majestic, and perhaps a little sick."
     Immediately, a low moaning energy connected with mine.
     We were immediately friends.

     I leaned my back against this new friend and visited for awhile.
     I knew, at this moment, that I would never be alone.
     I would always have friends like these.
   
     As I left the mountains on the last day of my stay,
     I took one last walk up the hill to say goodbye to my new friend.
     Muditā

   
     He came again, the next day...in Silence.
     Go to the water, and listen.
     Just Listen.

      I followed the path Up River.
      I thought I knew my destination...a hidden meadow.
      But that was not meant to be.

     I crossed the river several times.
     Then I sat down
     on a large gray boulder
     in the river. 

     I listened.
     I watched the white water splash my feet.
     I had arrived at my destination.

     I remembered another vision of his mother who bathed me
     In White Water.

     I reached down and splashed a little White Water on my head.
     Then on my shoulders....arms....chest...legs...
     and face.

     All is...

   
   

Just After Bathing Myself

     It is 5:50 A.M.

     I have ten minutes before I close my eyes to "Be."
     Everything is quiet...except:

     the flip of a fishes tail,
     the webbed-footed geese gliding across the water,
     the granite whispering, "Good Morning,"
     the flies buzzing around me delighting in my salty taste,
     the vapors of early morning light and air floating through the sky.

     One more minute...

     I close my eyes...

 Then there is space.

   
   

Lemons to Lemonade

At the Albuquerque "Families Belong Together" Rally

          Do you remember your childhood lemonade stand?  I do.  My best friend, Thea, and I had one at the base of my backyard in Oak Cliff.  I was so excited about it!  We had to make it from real lemons back then, ya know.  We squeezed the lemons and added water and sugar...you know the deal.  I made some lemon sorbet recently and it had the very same ingredients.  I squeezed about twenty-five lemons to make 3 cups of lemon juice.  The juice was so pretty, and I had not had a sip of real lemon juice in such a long time, so I tried a small sip sans sugar.  My mouth reacted exactly the same as it did back when Thea and I made it.  It puckered up and made my face react in aversion.
     Sometimes, life throws us lemons.  We are humans, after all, and that's kind of the deal at times.  On my birthday, two weeks ago, Jude and I found out that she has cancer in her breast and lymph nodes. She has given me permission to disclose this, by the way, and I am so very grateful.  So, what did we do on my birthday a few hours later?  We went on with our original plan and went out to hear some live music and drank lemonade (of all things!).  We had about five days between my birthday and the next crucial appointment with the head oncologist. During this time, we certainly
went in and out of all kinds of thoughts and emotions.  She has had doctors appointments and scans every day this week and will start 6 months of chemo on Thursday.  Eventually she will have surgery and then 30 days of radiation. 
     Why am I writing this and not Jude?  Why am I even writing this at all?  Most people keep this sort of thing under wraps because it seems personal or because they want to protect their family and friends, or they don't want to appear like a victim, or many other reasons.  Well, she is going to be bald pretty soon, so keeping it a secret is impossible.  We also thought it might be helpful if I write about it because the person supporting the cancer patient is often in a difficult position and usually winds up almost as exhausted, both physically and emotionally, as the person they are trying to support.  We thought this might be a good opportunity to share it from this side of the experience.  Maybe it will help someone down the road who is in a supportive role. 
     We are both so grateful for our individual  experiences with meditation and prayer.  It has allowed us to flow  more easily than we would have otherwise.  We have learned so much from our own readings about understanding suffering and are also so grateful for the dharma talks at our Albuquerque Insight Meditation Center. These have helped us to realize that having an attitude of rejection or aversion toward all of this is simply not going to help either one of us.  It would be like taking a sip of lemon juice, hating it, reacting badly, and then drinking some more.  It just doesn't make sense.  You have to dilute it and add some sugar to make it tasty.  I was out at the land this weekend, and I was discussing some real concerns about this and other somewhat big issues with my Dad.  He agreed with me on how we are dealing with all of this, but he put it in a wonderful way. (Forgive me, Dad, for paraphrasing!)  He said, "We don't have a clue WHY this stuff happens.  That's not the right question.  The better question is HOW are you going to be in this situation, and WHAT are you going to do about it?"
     So, how do you make a situation like this "tasty"?  Well, we have decided to make it a time of growth, both emotional and spiritual.  We have decided to each take care of ourselves first, so that we can care for each other with more compassion.  And we truly have to take each day, and even hour, as it comes, with no expectations.  I know that many of the things that I am allowing to blossom in my personal life are gifts that will help comfort Jude and eventually others down the road.  Can I fix the cancer?  No, but I can make life pleasant, interesting, peaceful, and healing in other ways.  We are not going to just sit around and look at four walls for the next ten months or so.  We are going to look at this as an opportunity to face things head on, and live a rich life.  I am going to develop my healing and artistic gifts and help Jude the best I can, but I know that I must keep my heart open and my body fit in order to do this. 

Rally in Albuquerque

Mulberries We picked for Lemon Sorbet

Mulberry Fingers

     I leave tomorrow to go up to the mountains northwest of Taos for a six day meditation retreat.  We both have decided this is best for me to go on with this plan  because this cancer treatment is going to be a long "journey", and this time in meditation will provide me the opportunity to center myself, deepen my spirituality, and  open myself in nature for a bit.  How will this help Jude?  I know from experience that when my body is refreshed, my mind is challenged, and my heart is open, I can be a fountain of help, love, and support.  Without these, I am not good for anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  This will also provide her with the chance to depend on new friends for comfort and aid.  People really want to help.  We are in a time right now when people are desperate to  help others but feel helpless to know how to do this.  Well, here is an opportunity, and we want to allow that to happen. 
      Also, this week,  I gave the "thumbs up" for my builder to start building a little house on "the land" out in western New Mexico.  But, that won't be finished until the winter.  So, needless to say, life is interesting! 
      Well, I think it is about time to put out the "OPEN" sign on the lemonade stand.  Let's add some water and sugar and see what happens.

Finding a few minutes of peace by the Rio Grande In Pilar

Listening to Water- A healing Moment

A morning walk

Waiting for the Doctor

P.S.  All these photos were taken during the time we were waiting to find out the details of her cancer.  Life doesn't have to stop when it tastes like lemons.