I sit down to
write this without even washing my
breakfast dishes or making my bed. I
don’t know what I need to write, but I must write. It is cold outside…this is the view from the
table of my camper.
I woke at 4:15
AM and have listened to a talk on “fear” by one of my favorite spiritual
teachers, read from my “personal bible”, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”,
meditated, prayed, listened to an online book, drunk a pot of coffee, walked my
dog, and fixed breakfast for us both.
So, what am I really doing? I
suppose I am Waiting. I type that word
with a capitol “W” because that is what it feels like.
For the last
three months, I have been creating a home for myself in this little
camper. It’s the home I have for now
anyway, and I am so very grateful for it.
Who knew, a year ago, that it would become my semi-permanent living
quarters. It is funny that the question
I get asked the most since winter has come is, “Are you keeping warm?” I am going to give a blanket answer (pun
intended). Yes! Despite it being winter, I am keeping
warm. I have long johns, gloves, hats,
propane heater, electric heater, and a wonderful cozy electric blanket, for
which I am so thankful. I am glad I live
in the modern age.
I have also been
dipping my toe into the real world each day.
I do my laundry at a laundry mat, I pop in at the propane supplier, I go
on hikes by myself or with a friend, I have a library card at the library about
thirty minutes away where I can get DVDs, books, check my online messages, and research things I need to know. I also pop in
from time to time at the nearby city’s meditation center. I have had many lovely times with a friend of
mine in Albuquerque and a few coffee dates with a friend in Santa Fe. I haven’t really made any new friends yet,
but I have met some terribly nice people.
It has been a time of nurturing, resting, and living with the person I
am becoming. This is interspersed with a
monthly eleven hour commute to teach a hand full of students who are getting
ready for their senior piano recitals. (whew!)
The last few
weeks, however, I have been confused because as much as I love my camper, I’ve
known that I can’t live in it forever.
It is a bit cramped, especially since it gets dark so early. I have also been making every one of my
Christmas gifts, so workspace is very tiny.
I am confused because I also am not ready to walk into a new life at
this moment and just make something happen.
I could do this, and there are some beautiful options, but something
deep inside me is pulling, yearning, and creating a bit of discomfort. I feel it in my chest right now as I
type.
I suppose this
path I am on is working in stages. I
have dismantled an old life but still finishing up commitments, I have
traveled a good bit which has helped me face a number of fears about being
alone in new places and new situations,
I have grappled with letting go of controlling my situations, and I have taken
some time to rest and learn to love myself again and those around me. If one looks at my life from the outside, it
probably appears as if I am being lazy or irresponsible for not looking for a
job, or settling down, or finding a new community, but I must say…I have never
worked so hard in my life as I have these last couple of years.
How do I tell
people who have seen me committed to a career for thirty-five years, that I am
not looking for a job right now because I am Waiting? How do I explain to the people I love the
most that I can’t tell them what I am doing in a month because I am
Waiting? How do I tell myself to be
patient with my discomfort because I need to Wait? What am I waiting for? I suppose I will know it when it happens. What I do know is that when I listen, really
listen at a very deep level, I hear and feel the most beautiful things. They bring out the deepest of emotions and the
deepest of knowings. I cannot put this into words for anyone else
to understand. Each has her own journey
in which she will hear her own knowings. Mine are so personal I cannot describe them,
even to myself. But, I hear and feel
them nonetheless. When I am feeling lonely, they comfort
me.
So, for now, I
will keep meditating, praying, drumming, sculpting, walking in nature, and
listening. Am I impatient? Hell yes... at times anyway. I am a full-blooded American if you haven’t noticed! We specialize in impatience. But I must be patient in order not to rush a
very important process. Learning how to
truly love at a deep level, takes time, and isn’t that our life’s work? Allowing
oneself to become who they ultimately are meant to become, takes time. Learning where we can be of greatest service
to those who need what we have, means we have to realize our greatest gifts. This will bring about new challenges, new
fears, and new growth. I think that is
this discomfort I am feeling…growing pains.
I so appreciate the patience and support of my loved ones as I work
through these times of Waiting.
“We are only at
the midpoint of transformation, a place of being held in love, yet poised to
make a slow dive into another abyss. And
so, we continue.” (from, Women Who Run
With the Wolves)
